note: potential employers: please do not judge me on my diaryland. that's lame.

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2007.01.18 2:29 p.m.

I had many vivid dreams last night. Maybe alcohol-fuelled.
Odd, unimportant things, like finding great china at Value Village. Important things like finding my father (about three times and each time he was different).

For some reason I never drink water while I'm drinking alcohol. I need to make this a priority.

David and I went to Bistro last night to indulge in their cheap pitchers of mixed drinks. I've never drank so much caesar. It was very good though. And I felt healthy about it.
We had a heart-to-heart and some good one-on-one time. David is one of my favourite people and helps to put things into perspective and I always feel better after seeing him.

Niki told me she judges how much she cares for someone by how she would feel if they died. That is an extreme form of measurement. But she said she'd be very upset if I died and she didn't want to talk about it. That made me remarkably happy.
I judge how much I like someone by how I feel immediately after seeing them.

Niki came over on Tuesday evening and we made brownies (a smaller pan for her because she's not to be trusted around sugar) and there wasn't a new Veronica Mars, so we didn't watch that. Tuesday nights with her have become one of my favourite things. We've been friends for years but I don't feel like we have less to talk about for it. I think more.
I'm glad that she lives here now. I really love her.

I miss my mum.

I'm impressed when I go to the library in search of a specific book (not knowing what this book is, only what kind of feeling it will give me) and find it.
I'm reading The Shape I Gave You. The protagonist lives only a few blocks from me. Our postal codes are almost the same.
I only like to read things that relate to me, to this specific life, this point.
Except it doesn't have to be technically, as long as it's emotionally relevant.

Over time it has become clear that I love Toronto. I wonder, if I end up moving home (prairie home), if I will miss it here the way I miss the prairies now. I wonder if I will still feel displaced.

Frequently I feel like I should move. Apartments, at least. I am too much enamoured with this space. How would I leave it? It scares me to be attached to a space this much. It seems unhealthy. I need to buy this house someday (which would be an idiot thing to do because it is all split up and the sum of its parts is much greater than the whole).

Yesterday Dana came and brought me a few groceries. Some days I like to pretend that I am already an eccentric cat-lady (sans cats) who needs to be fed and clothed and doesn't leave the house.
Dana disappeared for a bit from my life just before I went home and I noticed the difference. Dana is a good care-taker and she is impressive in her bluntness, unapologetic in her stance.
I admire that.
She is also remarkably funny.

After seeing David last night (he left to go spend time with Stef - it was their 10-month anniversary after all) I went over to Sophia's house and hung out with her and Nathanael and Jo and their new roommate, Mike. Just for a bit. I just didn't feel like going home just yet. Sometimes I like to pretend that they are my roommates. I liked seeing Jonathan a whole lot and tried to cuddle him and make him love me.. but cats will be cats. I tried to remind him that he had once lived with me and been my baby.. but you know..
In Saskatoon I didn't really have friend-neighbours. I love that about this city.

When I got home I couldn't make myself get off the internet and I wrote drunken emails to some. But I think they were all true, so it's fair enough.
I've been unable/unwilling to write poetry lately. Which is silly because things need records and I need to get it all down before it's not true anymore.
I can already feel a shift (or I am making things up).

I've made an appointment at the hassle-free clinic. I like that it's actually called that. The receptionist was ridiculously helpful. I spent time looking for a family doctor and found it very frustrating. No one is taking new patients.
But I have things that need taking care of!

Niki and I went to Sweet Thing on Saturday at Mod Club. It was pretty extreme. They had live video feed so that the band was seen on big screens around the stage. But there was room to dance, which was my biggest priority. Morganwaters is the funniest person to watch on stage and he caught me and Niki laughed hard at him. Then he went and humped Tyler a bit as Tyler played drums. We didn't really get to see the boys, but I hung out with Martha for a bit. We made fun of the idiots that were there to dance to some superstar DJ and she said "Let's find you a man". She was overly-happy when I told her I was off the market right now. I've always wondered what she (and the rest of them really) thinks of me. I like her and Nick a lot. They make sense.

After Mod Club Niki and I went to White Orchid for some dance party. It was packed and people would come outside steaming from the sweat-humidity. It was too crowded inside and so we stood outside for hours just commenting on people and watching and playing who-does-that-person-look-like. Everyone looked like someone we knew.

If I had money I would go and do laundry. I never feel like doing laundry.. but I do today. Maybe because I refuse to unpack the under of my bed and my wardrobe is limited.

It would be extremely helpful if I could shake this depression and stop sleeping and stop lying around (and not enjoying the lying around..).

previously - and then

*oh random entry*

all the diarylands. - 2008.02.21
I move my head. - 2008.01.27
read the other one. - 2008.01.21
was Medium? - 2008-01-17
Or maybe I won't. - 2008.01.15

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