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disclaimer: this is the life and times of meredith r. mistletoe. i'm making a slight attempt to disguise my identity and hide things that i write about and pretend i don't feel things i do. but if you read this and i don't know you read it, then you read it at your own risk. and you should let me know you're reading it... especially because a lot of the time things need clarifying or aren't quite true anymore or etc etc etc.

note: potential employers: please do not judge me on my diaryland. that's lame.


2004.11.13 3:38 p.m.

well, i've been up for almost three hours and i haven't accomplished anything. but i did talk to three people on the phone. ew.

well. i feel completely crazy. that's hot.

i want to go dancing.

work was fun yesterday. i mean, i was barely there, but still. we discussed the o.c. and did some crosswords. oh yeah, and served some customers.
it's only a few days until r.e.m.! oh man we're going to be so excited. i'm also excited for dinosaurs in drumheller. mmmm meredactyl. we're going to try and buy some dinosaurs.
aw i miss priscillasaurus rex and trichalatops.

i'm holding a lot of tension in my jaw. this is giving me a headache.
i'm listening to a mixcd scott made me. i really expected to like it and i'm feeling overly-bored by it. hiphop is good for dancing to.

i went to the mcc after work. i love shopping. especially there. i missed it so much while i was away.
and then i payed my tuition. so i guess i'm offically going back? ugh, i mean, yay.
then i talked on the phone (holy fuck do i actually do anything else? ever?). and i made a skirt..which i didn't really like and didn't wear. maybe i'll fix it later and make it better.

it was john's art auction last night..well, all the fine arts kids'. and so niki and i went to that. and i actually spent a lot of time looking at art..which i didn't really expect. and there were a lot of peices that i quite liked. i wish i had money.
niki left early to go to see ivana santilli (ahahaahah) so then i just wandered around with john and the husband and drew(who i've decided is now my friend) and saw courtney and kathyfinn and so on and so forth and yeah.
john kept trying to get me to do our 'routine' for people. how embarassing! but also flat out hilarious. for us.

then john and i went to the unitarian centre show. (even though he should have gone to the yard with his friends. but now he can't deny how much he likes me) and the show was probably really good but i was pretty tired and distracted. i liked seeing fraser and mattdean and carlan and steph and everyone. mmm steph "measured" me (more like felt me up) in the bathroom, so that she'd know how the clothes for the fashion show would work. (dec. 3) gregreese seemed sad. i hope he's okay.

i drove john home and he's sooooo funny. seriously. i love it when he gets awkward. i mean, actually, i like it so much. he asked it i wanted to come and see his newly cleaned apartment and then abruptly changed his mind and got weird.

i was thinking about my tv show. a lot lately. and i think one of the reason why teenagers are never really portrayed acurately is that it's kind of horrifying/embarassing/silly how kids really act.
being a teenager is really dumb and really hard. and it's hard to look back on the stupid things i've done/been involved with without cringing. harder still to write them acurately.

(see the people sitting over there? i want to kiss and touch them everywhere. oh no not because i really care. oh no no no i wouldn't dare.)

i've been spending a lot of time lately discussing everything with everyone. and now i know so much about some people and it occurs to me that they don't know that much about me. at least not the really hard/important bits. usually i'm the one to tell everyone everything right off the bat, whether they want to hear it or not.

it's funny how people's opinions are based so much on others.
i have a hard time explaining how i actually feel to people...i assume it's the same for everyone. because there's so much pressure to make things even maybe?
it takes a lot of effort to challenge things. it's far easier to make it seem like you agree. this applies to just about everything. involvements, friendships, school, work even.
this is bizarre because of my attempt to push things.

both people should write how they actually ultimately feel on a peice of paper and then they should switch at the same time. yes. this systematic, formal, ridiculous plan will work. and it will happen for every situation. like deciding your plans for the night. and for relationships. and for work.
this will work especially well for niki.

maybe i spend too much time being careful about what i'm saying and saying too much of what people would want to hear.
but i also think i might convince myself of it by saying it.
and i think i hear a lot of what people think i'd want to. which sucks.
i really don't need to be protected.

what hurt most with const was that he didn't just end shit. he was so vague and nothing was ever clear between us. and if he was protecting me then it sure didn't work. and now that things are clear between us it's so good. we can just be together and there's no uncertainty. i feel good spending time with him.

i'm going home soon. i wonder what'll happen.. i think it would be a poor idea for geordie and i to get back together right now, but i got used to having a boyfriend (even though i was mostly an asshole). it was very selfish in more ways than i'd care to admit.
and i wonder about seeing jared (i'm glad i pulled out of that one..i'm getting better at recognizing when i'm about to be cruel).
and i wonder about nathan and scott and daryl and how i'll be. i feel like i'm developing patterns that are terrible amounts of fun..but i'm not sure are even......true.

(do you miss my rantings? do you miss my alltime lows?)

i'm going to for lunch with stevedave this afternoon. i'm really glad. for food and for comfort. we were so close before i left. and i miss her funny way of looking at things. and her grumpiness and funny mumblings. i'm not dressed and she'll be here right away.

i was trying to edit this entry and then i just got if it makes no sense, it's clearly your own fault.

previously - and then

*oh random entry*

all the diarylands. - 2008.02.21
I move my head. - 2008.01.27
read the other one. - 2008.01.21
was Medium? - 2008-01-17
Or maybe I won't. - 2008.01.15

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