note: potential employers: please do not judge me on my diaryland. that's lame.

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2002.10.02 10:15 p.m.

i wish that i felt better about writing on here. because i do like it. but it's hard when people you know are reading it. and if you are mixed up about things, and they're going to read it. it's hard. especially because they'll never tell you what they think.

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so i'm just going to pretend like this is just for me. (ha)

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it's been almost a month since i have done anything really social. or even have been invited to do anything.   in terms of the way that i live, this is insanity. i've talked to very very few of my friends (one) in person. and few by phone. (very very few). and some by email (oh the electronic age). i couldn't go to the soaps (though i wanted to quite badly) because i wasn't sure if anyone i knew was going to be there. and what would happen if they were. at work on week-ends the most popular question is 'so what are you doing tonight'. i've taken to lying. embellishing. otherwise i just cry (oh, whine whine). shawna from work invited me out with her but i'm not 19, and therefor a social outcast in some circles. i heart shawna, she's adorable. i've been talking with my aunt and cousin a lot lately. they find me dreadfully amusing and develop my speech patterns and talk about me to their friends. i have trouble making conversation with them though because they are always laughing at me. positive and negative. andrea kell is my best friend these days. we work together a lot. she likes my so-called life and thinks that jtt is fine(not fine but just okay fine). she advises me on haircuts and does my make-up. and bosses me around. i find this halarious and i like being taken care of. i've read about 6 novels in the past week and a half. and watched probably the same amount of movies. i am okay unless i think about things. and how much i miss things and people. and so on. like the time that fraser and alison came and got me from my work. and left the bear and the note. like shows and picnics. and parks. but at the same time i am so frustrated by so much. specifically my interactions with people. i think part of the reason why i'm such a huge personality sometimes is because i feel quite inferior. grossly so.

man that was good that time when melissa told me that i wasn't shy. that i was just lying, because i decided that.     that's what i mean. a total lack of respect.

alison is the worst for it. the worst. i do so much for her that she doesn't even notice. more than i should and it confuses me why i still think that we're friends. she spends a lot of time thinking/talking about how self-centered other people are, so that it sort of distracts you on how self-centered she is. i can't believe we were still okay after ness creek.
last week i was starting to feel better. just a little. so i was writing this pilot for this tv show (i've been trying to write a show for probably 6 years now) and i said that as soon as i finished the pilot i could call her. just as motivation.
and so i called her. and i tried so hard to be happy and i was for a bit. but she just talked about herself. hadn't even noticed that i was gone. didn't offer to make plans with me. or even call.
it made me so sick. i don't even know what to do. i guess i do expect too much from friends and expect them to be more mature than they can be. more empathetic. i kept thinking, if i got a dread disease then people would have to come vist me in the hospital. they'd have to.       but the truth is that i probably needed people more these past few weeks than i would in a hospital. and had far less ability to ask for them.

no one is at the same point in their lives as me. everyone who is older has moved away. chala writes from toronto to talk about kensington market and china town. and i am burning with jealousy. and ali. oh god ali.

everyone is so busy. so involved in things. the world.

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how intensely scary for anyone i know to read this. how can i be approached anymore? now anyone wanting to spend time with me, i will just see it as pity. with about 3 exceptions. and i'm not sure i could go back to the way things were.

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i worry about people so much. it scares me that no one (bar my mum) worries about me.

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i need to get out of here. i need to sleep.

here: a try for a normal entry.

you should watch the movie 'whatever'. despite it's title, it is very worthwile and smart. and good.

i got a jtt movie that i ordered off ebay yesterday. yes, a jtt movie. and the scary thing is that i actually enjoyed it as a movie. i didn't immediately regret buying it. and he wasn't as bad of an actor as he usually is. and he was so cute. it's a good thing no one was watching it with me. i made stupid faces and went to sleep happy. i dont' care what you think, crushes are great. and they can't hurt you if you use them right.

i still haven't moved on my room.

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. this is all un-edited and uncensored.

previously - and then

*oh random entry*

all the diarylands. - 2008.02.21
I move my head. - 2008.01.27
read the other one. - 2008.01.21
was Medium? - 2008-01-17
Or maybe I won't. - 2008.01.15

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