note: potential employers: please do not judge me on my diaryland. that's lame.

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2003.05.20 11:19 p.m.

for those of you without gold memberships: when the server is full and you get that error message thing where it says you can't update, i found a cheat way around it. in the location where it says http://members.diaryland.com/edit/entrystyle.phtml (or something like that) change the "entrystyle" (i dont' think it's exactly that, but it's close) to "addentry". put simply, go to "http://members.diaryland.com/edit/addentry.phtml". okay? good. but now that i've put that out there after not getting around to mentioning it for weeks there will be no more server problems and you'll never need that little usefull tidbit of information. okay? good.

that took more effort than it was worth.

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i've still been over-analyzing. i am allowing it on the basis of make a concerted effort to not move things along. in any way.

yes, right. quite likely. ai ai.

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i went for coffee with hillary tonight. we had margaritas at moxies. i do enjoy a good margarita. i love hillary. i find her smart and articulate and interesting. these are top priorities for my friends. we talked a lot about dream boys/soul mates. and books and movies. we talked about dirty dancing again. and tattoos. and boys. and boys.

she gave me the other part of my christmas/birthday present tonight (yes, five months late...that's just how it goes) it's a notebook for me to write in that has pictures of converse and brendan fehr and dawson's creek on the front. and it and the most amazing letter inside:

mare-death
"i'm still trying to be beautiful
i'm still trying to be enough"
and when i read that over and over i picture you with wings on your back, dancing to drum beats in the bassment, or lying on the grass next to me during a long-forgotten lunch period. you're everything that means beauty to me, so poetic and profound, your voice lilting as we talk of the cute boys we hold so tightly. and i miss you some nights when i am lying in bed. i miss how we are so alike sometimes, and other times so alike in our differences. and i catch myself trying to be you at moments when i am feeling too awkward to be myself. your laughter and your smile so awesome, and when you handed me stealing beauty i realized i knew that you would be the one to find it for me. that's who you are. and you do not ever need to try and be beautiful or enough for anyone because no matter how many weeks go by without us talking, i know you will still be my mare-death. thinking lovely thoughts of christmas and jtt, quoting my so-called life and reading books of fairies and beasts. you make me forget all the responsibilities of growing up that i hold too tight. you make me laugh like i am sweet-sixteen again, chasing a look-alike boy with short hair. and you are strong like the trees we sat under, your roots attaching themselves around the ankles of all those you dance around. you will be the one who takes off for the coast in your house of chai tea and christmas decorations, and i will come and visit you and you will make me feel alive again, as though we haven't parted or not known each other for weeks, months, years. i want you to find your house, find your patrick swayze, and find your dreams. write all the things on these pages tht race through your head on converse sneakers, and write them as beautiful as you are.
love,
killary

this of course makes me cry.

previously - and then

*oh random entry*

all the diarylands. - 2008.02.21
I move my head. - 2008.01.27
read the other one. - 2008.01.21
was Medium? - 2008-01-17
Or maybe I won't. - 2008.01.15

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