note: potential employers: please do not judge me on my diaryland. that's lame.

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2003.08.07 11:09 a.m.

holy lick.

last night was pretty fun. i hung out with jeffmorton at the fringe. he's really good to hang out with. not catty or always leaving and needing to be found again. also he's always up for doing anything. we wandered around talked to various people. ate samosas and booster juice. we talked and made really funny jokes as per usual. i got attacked by one of his friends who was trying to sell me a magazine. i do mean attacked. it was pretty funny. i was screaming and fighting. and jeffmorton ended up buying the magazine! that's lame, he should've stood with me in solidarity.

the boys aren't sooo impressed with their review. it is kind of irritating that the reviewer focused on how they're high school kids who aren't so professional...but she said that she thought she'd see them again. and that to me was pretty cool. i mean she thinks they're good enough to keep on going and tour and everything. so it's good. i decided.

me and jeffmorton had a pretty good conversation about how boys are funnier than girls. we didn't really solve anything or come to any conclusions..but i'm re-thinking some stuff. and i'm thinking about margaret cho. she's so good.

apparantly jen doesn't dislike me anymore, that's sweet..it's entirely because i've been talking about constantine so much. it makes sense. in a girl way.

it's odd how often i get told how young i look. all the time. i wonder when it will stop...and it's odd because i'm so old looking to myself. when i look in the mirror by myself i always seem old. and tired. i'm feeling old this week. i think the pure exhaustion is doing it. but also other things. i have to decide what i'm going to do. in general. i have to stop being a baby about certain things. i have to stop being solely around high school students.

generally i can't be so young forever. (this is my youth) all the people that i graduated with are doing stuff....having semi-good jobs, going to school, getting married (ack!). i'm going into my third 'year off' and if i don't go back to school i never will. and i know every second day i say i'm never going to school...but really, i should. and really deeply want to. i fear not being able to afford it..and dying of hunger...but that's far better than dying of jerry-dirt-poisoning, which i'm also afraid of.

jeffmorton and i went to the yard and flagon afterwards. to the rooftop deck. constantine was there...oh sweet sweet constantine. me and jeffmorton sat away from him for quite awhile...talked and watched him (yeah, mostly i was watching him). then jeffmorton went to the bathroom and when he came back constantine waved him over, so a couple minutes later i went too. they were sitting with some girls, talking and the girls invited me to sit too..so i did. constantine was showing off and acting silly and yelling we were all laughing..i didn't really want to be because it was such intense focus on him...like he was the only who deserves being paid attention to. after a bit the girls left and me and constantine and jeffmorton sat around for a good hour and half (or longer). till about 2 in the morning. just talking and talking.

constantine is so much like me. except bigger and more...i don't know. he's less awkward and less horribly inappropriate. super friendly and outgoing where i am somewhat shy and defensive and unfriendly. his works better...owing partly to how he's a very cute boy. but he dominates the conversation so much. me and jeffmorton now know so much about him, but really i think that he doesn't know us any better. he's just intensely trying to be funny and looking for an inappropriate comment...and so on. i wonder if he has a more three-dimensional side. jeffmorton has said that he finds constantine hard to be with sometimes.

but it was still really fun. i made some pretty good jokes myself and me and jeffmorton made a few inside jokes, which was key in that situation..we could be laughing with him. constantine seemed genuinely shocked by my talk of boning and how i was going to 'bone people'. and the 'stick it in er'. that's pretty good. i was saying to jm how we have to make my 'supertruck' shirt. but constantine thought i said 'superFuck' after clarifying, i said, well yeah, i mean, i'm really really good. sooo good. i want it printed right across my rack too. and with a slogan on the back such as maybe 'stick it in er', though constantine suggested 'if you can't dodge it, ram it'.

i don't know how i feel about constantine. i don't want to be with him right now...but i still find him attractive. and interesting..but he's too intense to be friends with i think...he's so social and knows sooo many people. i don't know. i didn't like the way he came off in parts of the conversation. but i really didn't like how i came off in parts of the conversation..so. and i don't mean 'got off'.

i shouldn't have talked to him.. ruins the crush.

previously - and then

*oh random entry*

all the diarylands. - 2008.02.21
I move my head. - 2008.01.27
read the other one. - 2008.01.21
was Medium? - 2008-01-17
Or maybe I won't. - 2008.01.15

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