note: potential employers: please do not judge me on my diaryland. that's lame.

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2004.04.26 12:17 p.m.

awww. fuck. why do i constantly write semi-incriminating and/or irritating things here, knowing how possible it is to be found via google? funny. so i'm actually going to have to be far more careful and tactful or start not using people's real names. but oh i like real names. and i like telling almost-truths and i like tactlessness. none the less, in the past 24 hours this has been found not only by a search for another blue door, but also for the mark inside.

the thing is that everything that i say at anytime really has to be taken with a grain of salt..or a tone of voice. so when i write things about how i'm in love with everyone, it's true..but in a non-way. if that makes sense.

i like both bands so much, and so many of the members so much..

though i'm not in love with chris of the mark inside, and i wish so much that his girlfriend didn't hate us. but she does. maybe she'll come out dancing and things will be better.

we went to the quick mark show on saturday night. it was a good dance for me. although it does make me slightly uncomfortable to be one of the only ones dancing, it's also fine. and they're so dancible and sweet and nice. awww. i wished that chris's girlfriend would've danced with us but she was quite painfully obviously holding hatred towards us. how fun! and by fun i mean soul-wrecking. especially since she really doesn't have that much to judge us on. yet. i mean, judge me when you know me..that's fine...but still.

this weekend was good. i worked on saturday, listened to the amelie soundtrack and drew on the chalkboard outside. it was nice. i like how many kids come in. they're so sweet. ice cream makes people happy.

then i went to kensington market for a bit with chala's sarah, it was nice. we looked at some nice clothes and i bought some cheeeaaap clothes for cutting up. sarah is so gorgeous and so..everything. i can't explain. she's so much like a younger, realer carrie from sex and the city. she even looks eerily like her. but she's awesome.

after the show on saturday we went to park's place and watched tv and ate pizza. then i felt terribly ill and went home. i hate being ill.

yesterday i was still feeling sick. which sucked..and i talked to fraser (who i adore. clearly.) for a couple of hours. then me and chala went down to the eaton's centre to look for a watch (which we never found). we visited geordie at music world, he was aloof and busy-ish, but nice. just like usual.

we then went to kalendar for tea and kake. there's a sweet server there that chala likes. and our server was pretty cute too..in a random-making-out way, not in a love-you-forever way. me and chala had such good conversations all day. really helpful for me, i so need to figure things out. i'm getting overly-ridiculous. like beyond a little much. at kalendar we worked on a plan: M.A.P.A. (Meredith's Action Plan for Action). ha! so really the ridiculous levels only increased. then we went to paaeez to talk to sarah. we got her input on M.A.P.A. she's definitely the one to ask.

hooo...wow, i really have to start using fake names.

we're having a dinner party this week! how exciting. but it's the same night that steve's d.j.ing somewhere. i do want to see him. and he said he'd play some guess who! how funny. he's really enjoyable i have to say. and cute of course.

everyone is these days. i'm in a constant state of infatuation. i mean, clearly there are those who affect me more than others...

i don't know what i want. or who. or anything. well, maybe i do and everything is just too terrifying. really. yes. i know what i want. but who wants me?

so i got a little too close to priscilla's ex-boyfriend and i did appologize for it. but then since the another blue door show she's been going on about nathan and how hot he is and his body.. and he is attractive. but still. apparantly he told her she has a nice bum. which she does. really, you should see it. it's worthwhile getting a viewing. i mean, it's no danielle bum (the kind that has a mind of it's own), but yeah..it's a good thing priscilla has a boyfriend..hi chrisnoseworthy. (good old real names).

i only have one exam left. and my interview. then time off. how nice. how very nice. time to enjoy the city and other people..

this is the worst entry ever. mostly because of how trying-to-not-be-self-concious i am being. and also because i'm blocking out the huge pain i'm feeling in my chest. how heavy it is. how strong.

this morning i think i saw a boy trying to commit suicide in the subway. he was crouched at the edge just in the tunnel. the driver saw him and slowed all the way. the boy (in a skelton shirt) waited until the train was just past, then jumped down and wandered into the tunnel. they saw this i'm sure. so maybe something was done. maybe someone went and found him. maybe he was just exploring...

fuck off i don't want to talk about it. blocking is oh-so much easier.

previously - and then

*oh random entry*

all the diarylands. - 2008.02.21
I move my head. - 2008.01.27
read the other one. - 2008.01.21
was Medium? - 2008-01-17
Or maybe I won't. - 2008.01.15

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