note: potential employers: please do not judge me on my diaryland. that's lame.

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2002.10.19 7:18 p.m.

had another one of those days where i just want to push the off button. on me. holy bloody do i irratate me.

i had about 75 dollars in my wallet the other day, and i thought that it should last me at least a couple weeks. now there's twenty in there. and i've even debited a couple of things. fuck me. my menstural cycle is costing me about 20-30 dollars a month. i'm going to shoot myself.

i need new glasses. the cat needs fixing. i need to pay my mum back for some dvds and buy a dvd player. wah wah. my life is so fucking privilidged. and i can't spell. wank.

i started saying wank at work. gooood.

i get to go for training tomorrow. i'm pretty excited to hang out with maureen. i think i'll just stick with leiflynn. she's pretty hip. kristin (from the body shop) is twenty two and her english boyfriend is 35. is that not a fairly big difference?

i slept with my contacts in and thought i was going blind. turns out i'm not. i don't think. but i am listening to modest mouse. that's something right?

shawna quit. this makes me unhappy. i was bugging her today about how fat she is. man that's fun. and how she was in niki's german tutorial, and we talked about her. ha. but she said that we should hang out sometime. so maybe we will. andrea c was introduced to her boyfriend (who she plans on marrying) through shawna...so i'm thinking.....

i miss having friends.   shawna was doing my make-up today and she asked me if i was going out tonight. it was strange because it hadn't even occured to me. lame.

friends just don't occur to me anymore. except in frustration.

oh, also i'm completely lying about everything to hide how unutterably depressive i am. so much that i cry all of the time and make my mum stay up and talk with me until one in the morning and read my tarot cards. and then i can't follow any of the advice of the tarot because i'm too.....everything. too.....worn. through. and i wander around downtown wishing that i at least had my spirits to wish from still. wishing that if there was something wrong i'd have someone to call. because something is wrong.

the only things i do are work, ride buses, walk, and watch tv. even reading takes effort. oh, and diaryland. i diaryland. and sleep. man do i sleep. waking up with headaches every day. i've considered going to get some anti-depressants, going to counselling. but in honesty this is mostly if not wholely situational.

so fuck you.

i am so self-centered.

and i can't talk about any of this in real life. except if you're my mum. no exceptions. oh, right. except alcohol. if any of you have any alcohol or weed you want to sell me, do so. the only reason i don't have any is because i can't do anything these days. can't put effort into anything.

and i tried last night. i put effort. i went to see that french play 'amis a vis'. it really wasn't very good. parts were pretty funny. it was frustrating though because of the bad acting. yuck. and more frustrating was that bus-greg was a bad actor. could you use your hands anymore? no, he wasn't terrible. but the hands were bothering me. and the over-done facial expressions. and i went by myself which was slightly awkward and had a very awkward conversation with bus-greg (as we are inclined to do). made more awkward by how i was really trying to be in a good mood, but also could not relate to anyone. at all. so i made some comment about how there should have been more buses. told him it was good. and left.

un mouton, deux mouton, trois mouton qui fume......

i wonder what will change?

previously - and then

*oh random entry*

all the diarylands. - 2008.02.21
I move my head. - 2008.01.27
read the other one. - 2008.01.21
was Medium? - 2008-01-17
Or maybe I won't. - 2008.01.15

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