disclaimer: this is the life and times of meredith r. mistletoe. i'm making a slight attempt to disguise my identity and hide things that i write about and pretend i don't feel things i do. but if you read this and i don't know you read it, then you read it at your own risk. and you should let me know you're reading it... especially because a lot of the time things need clarifying or aren't quite true anymore or etc etc etc.
note: potential employers: please do not judge me on my diaryland. that's lame.
2004.08.17 2:44 p.m.
so i'm on probation from the program. meaning: if i don't improve i get kicked out next semester. that's great. rule #1 never tell your teacher to fail you. they'll do it. i mean, i did tell paul to fail me and that's fine but what worries me is that it's really neil who wants me on probation. fucking neil. the thing is that we don't do any work in his class really. i haven't done a scene for him for a good couple of months and so he's basing his judgements on what he sees outside of class. where i though -mistakenly- that i could act however i wanted. but according to neil i'm going to have to "work 24 hours a day at not being cute" and that if i did it at all it would get into the work and that wasn't what serious actors are about blah blah blah. yeah. i'm not very impressed. and overly depressed because now i have to censor myself any time i want to do anything. i mean, talk, laugh, make a joke. technically, neil wants me to not be me. which is ridiculous. and he said quote: "if you want to call that personality molding then i guess that's what it is.." oh my god.
the thing is that paul and viv love me for being me. if i stop doing all these things in every way then i won't be me. and i'll be being dishonest to myself. i'll be disowning myself.
i need to find out how and where to protect myself in this situation. (or if i'm alowed to at all.)
and i'm definitely definitely not saying that i don't need to work because i clearly do. and there's so much that i need to fix and work on but i think that neil's wrong about what it is. i think that he has no idea who i am and what i'm about and he's still trying to play the psychoanalysist.
he was pissing off a lot of people today. and now he's head of the program i think it'll only get worse. he keeps trying to play everyone's shrink when really he never pays us enough attention to know what's actually going on.
i'd like to say that it's really fine, but honestly..how can i not feeling ridiculously hateful towards myself after having my basic personality attacked?
wow i hope i update this again before i leave so that it's not left like this for weeks..but i don't
have the energy to write anything else.
previously - and then
*oh random entry*
all the diarylands. - 2008.02.21
I move my head. - 2008.01.27
read the other one. - 2008.01.21
was Medium? - 2008-01-17
Or maybe I won't. - 2008.01.15
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