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disclaimer: this is the life and times of meredith r. mistletoe. i'm making a slight attempt to disguise my identity and hide things that i write about and pretend i don't feel things i do. but if you read this and i don't know you read it, then you read it at your own risk. and you should let me know you're reading it... especially because a lot of the time things need clarifying or aren't quite true anymore or etc etc etc.

note: potential employers: please do not judge me on my diaryland. that's lame.


2005.03.31 2:58 p.m.

i'm tired. but i was in a good mood. breifly.

until i did a scene in john's class. oh holy hell. wow, could i suck a little harder?
probably not.

and he brought up again how i'm way more interesting to watch in real life.
holy hell.
jesus fuck.

i like how whenever i do a scene in that class i leave feeling like i never want to act again.

i haven't done a play in years and maybe this is what's destroying my soul. i mean, i never thought i'd go years without really performing. especially since that's what my chosen career is apparantly.

yes, i am constantly feeling strangled. sometimes it is like a physical rope around my neck.
especially with choking back the urge to yell and scream and cry.

these days i am the ultimate wounded gazelle.

i think this is what's leading to neediness towards nick. which i am not fond of. no sir. i am not fond of neediness from anyone, especially not myself.
luckily nick's so laid back i don't seem to be able to get to him.

i wanted to change my name to meredith wells. but i guess there's already an actor by that name. but she hasn't really done anything at all.
do you think i should still have it?

it's hard to get classic but still unused.

today i went on set. on the martha set. and i looked at sybill and stood right beside her. i bet there's some sort of protocol about not looking at her. but i did.

it was interesting. but in a way maybe we're more frustrated now because all we want to do is be in it. have some part of it.

i'm not sure if i'm built for this part. the constant frustration and desire.

not my forte.

this guy in the library is talking about how he thinks he just ate a cookie with peanuts in it and how he's allergic to peanuts.
it's just making me want cookies.

it's raining.
i'm glad it's getting warmer.
though it's not solving everything like it seems like it should.

i had lunch + coffee with ellen yesterday. that was fun. for sure. what a good egg. and we just talk and talk and talk.
i took her to aunties and introduced her to david and to russel, who watches me + priscilla more than i'd realized.
and we went to kensington and bought cheese.

nick and i went out last night and then watched more episodes of dr. katz. and i whined and twitched and wanted him to reassure me. and he laughs at me instead of getting that's probably a good sign..

i just feel like spending money.
nothing like having no money to make you want to spend it.

previously - and then

*oh random entry*

all the diarylands. - 2008.02.21
I move my head. - 2008.01.27
read the other one. - 2008.01.21
was Medium? - 2008-01-17
Or maybe I won't. - 2008.01.15

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