note: potential employers: please do not judge me on my diaryland. that's lame.

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2006.04.07 1:49 p.m.

Okay, so I'm trying this whole '/private' business so I know it said I updated last night and I did but to get to it you'll have to get to maredeath.diaryland.com/private. And then you'll have to enter in the passwordssss. So you'll have to email me if you want to be in on all my secrets (juicey shit yo).

I think I'm going to stop it with wretchdpixie (since I can't stand the user name and it's a pain) and just post here.
So, whoever was googling 'maredeath secrets', now you know, they're locked a bit.

This diary has been pretty surface lately - I'm not really speaking of most things.
I'm unsure of how I'm feeling about most things.. so..

Worked again yesterday. I got to work with Stacy-Ann which was good because I know her and so we didn't have to have small talk for hours.. but she's pretty high-maintenance, can always find something to complain about.
We made good money for how slow it was.. but I always wish for more.

Ali was complaining about how she has too many jobs and too many auditions and she doesn't make enough money (she made the girl she was working with go home so that she could make more money and it still wasn't enough), etc. And it just upset me because I want jobs, I want auditions, I want too much to do.
I told her I wasn't speaking with her until she got a gratitude journal.. but I was kind of serious.

After work I went out to see sweetthing, I was standing outside about to go in when all of them showed up and I love being accosted with hugs from Tyler and Owen. But it's hard because hugs from Nick are awkward and seem forced and it just makes it so clear how much I miss them.

Met Priscilla and Nathanael there. It was a pretty bad situation it just being the three of us and only magnified my sadness because I felt useless and out-of-place. Groups of three are very, very rarely a good idea.. especially when two keep touching each other all over.

I did try and dance hard and shake it all out but I just felt heavy and sad and foolish.

Nick's Martha was dressed so similar to how I do (virtually the same outfit as I wore to the last show I think) and I felt uncomfortable in my skin and style and replacable (which, of course... I should be).
I am jealous of her, obviously. Jealous that she loves Nick, where I couldn't, jealous of her friendships with these amazing boys, of her success as an actor, etc.

It was just a hard night, is what I'm saying.

I'm frustrated by my friendships with boys right now.
David has completely ditched me for his new girlfriend - which is expected even though he said that would never happen.
Angeroo has decided we can't be friends anymore. Though he says it has more to do with him than with me (and I believe him).. I'm still angered by it.
Nathanael is around all the time now but only because of Priscilla.

I apologize for this ranting.

But even though I'm trying to get my life back together and working properly.. I still feel stagnated.

previously - and then

*oh random entry*

all the diarylands. - 2008.02.21
I move my head. - 2008.01.27
read the other one. - 2008.01.21
was Medium? - 2008-01-17
Or maybe I won't. - 2008.01.15

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