note: potential employers: please do not judge me on my diaryland. that's lame.

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2003.07.20 10:41 p.m.

i'm starting to think i might still be drunk. good thing i didn't feel this weird on the way home when i drove for three hours. i can't focus properly.

sorry moms if i was being a little off today. everything is feeling much much much much much too much. and i was trying so hard to be okay for old nessy...but. i was trying so hard not to cry at the beach. and it was everything that was bothering me not just one thing. or anything.

ness was wonderful. really it was. parts were so beautiful and perfect. this is our youth this is our youth this is our youth kept running through my mind. we were so teenaged and running about.

we drank/smoked up/did mushrooms every night. (i only drank and smoked a little bit.) we were so all tied up together. i was drunk two seperate times yesterday and sobered up from both...i've never not gone to bed drunk. i do know my limits though. and tried not to be terribly irritating, though at four in the afternoon i could see how me and carlan were getting to be a bit much to semi-strangers.

so much for my relaxing camping trip. though the beach was wonderful. so gorgeous and so calming. we all felt better this afternoon after being there for a bit.

i don't know if i mentioned or not, but we brought one big tent for sleeping in (me, mags, r. pollard, nicole, carlan, sam) and one tent for stuff and food. and making out. except the makeout tent just got hogged by a certain r.p. and m.a. though nicole did manage to use it breifly at one point. way to go makeout tent, getting some action.

i can't decide what's important enough to write out. i want to remember it all.

so my boy story, that'll work. no, wait. it won't. it's hard to explain especially in writing, especially since nothing really happened and i feel strange/broken about it. so i'll alter the story to suit my liking. i got lots of action. the end.

shit. i'm so lame and it shouldn't matter. so he chose another girl. if anyone deserves that, it's me. i just like to validated..to be wanted. like anyone. and he would have been so good to make out with because he doesn't live here and there's no way it would have meant something. and he has very very pretty eyes (when they aren't horribly glazed over from the large amounts of drugs he's ingesting. i could see him becoming like alvin. oh god until this moment i wasn't thinking about it, but things that he said/did were very reminiscent. how strange.) and he doesn't seem to care. i like that a lot. i wish i cared a lot less...in ways, hard to explain.

but i kissed him, and it was pretty nice and so on and so on. this afternoon he put baked beans in between my toes and i squished them around and it felt neat. he took a picture. and it felt okay and completed.

i feel crazier and crazier by the moment sitting here. i've been on the computer since i got home almost three hours ago. i want to write more about nessy later. i've missed you all so much. even though it's only been days.

previously - and then

*oh random entry*

all the diarylands. - 2008.02.21
I move my head. - 2008.01.27
read the other one. - 2008.01.21
was Medium? - 2008-01-17
Or maybe I won't. - 2008.01.15

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