note: potential employers: please do not judge me on my diaryland. that's lame.

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2005.01.17 12:25 p.m.

my ears are too small for most headphones.
my ears stick out.

lately i've been attempting to make an effort to be more responsible for my own happiness.
this isn't ending well.
now, of course, some of this is situational.

my horoscope this morning depressed me.
it said something along the lines of 'spend the next couple of days cuddling with loved ones'.
a little insensitive don't you think?

the death of someone i never knew has me thinking about a lot of things i usually ignore.

i will never stop putting in the effort to be close to people i care about. no matter how frustrating it becomes. (i hope.)
because how are we to know how much time there is? we need to take care of each other. and although i'm mostly an okay care-taker (as long as you're not 'romantically' involved with me), i fear it's from a selfish place.

yesterday a friend mocked another for saying 'we have to take care of our hearts' in bed at one point.
though it was said in a condescending 'i don't want to hurt you' (my favorite!!!) kind of a fashion...it is still a valid point. it's been years (if ever. maybe i never learned properly..) since i've put proper effort in protecting other people. (or even myself..really..)

also discussed yesterday how many things can go wrong in terms of having sex. how many problems. diseases. babies. etc etc. and people are still willing to risk it.....i'm of the opinion it's all about power. the winning and the losing.

one of my new teachers (i maintain they're all still my new best friends) talks about how everythingeverythingeverything in acting is about winning. attempting to win and so on.. this is why he's my new best friend. we work on the same levels..

hanging out with constantine just before i left we were discussing how many ex-involvements are now my friends..and he asked "do you make out with people just to make them be your friend?"
very clearly yes. i mean, it's obviously not to make them sleep with me..and i'm a terrible girlfriend.

oh no, there's a cute boy in the computer lab and now my attention is lost.
at a party last year he wore baby's breath in his hair and danced the entire time..pulling people along with him..or dancing alone.
i want to go into theatre. i want to make all the theatre kids be my friends. (by making out with them.)

i hate cologne. aubrey (my #1 arch enemy, the only one in my life right now that i put true effort into severly disliking, the loudest, rudest guy in my class) wears axe. this is overly disturbing. scent is the only sense that's linked directly to memory. i hate it when people smell like other people.
i depend on my sense of smell a lot of the time..i like knowing people's smells and judging them on them.
oh niki, remember that boy that you could tell if he'd been there because of his distinctive smell? oh ho that was good. remind me to write that in.

i've been un-busy. the cat has become the focus of my life. he burnt his paw yesterday and i almost cried. he got into the almost-full bathtub and i laughed and laughed.
he's wrecking everything and yells too much. but he's someone to upkeep the place for, take care of things for. i feel like not getting out of bed..but the cat needs to be fed. i don't need groceries but the cat needs litter..etc etc.
just so's you know, it's pronounced 'too-row'. i still haven't decided on the spelling.

i've cleaned my apartment. it's recommended* that you come visit me now.
because i am lonesome.

*by the bed and breakfast liscencing guild copyright 2005

i have to decided in the next two days if i'm going to come home for intersession break. i don't even know what i'm doing for dinner, let alone in may.

well..i hope the mark inside was at least entertaining. i do love those kids, mostly because they entertain me so much. i'm glad geordie wore a shirt with his name on it. and was still a giant. and entertaining i hear.
i'm glad also that they were pretentious and maybe disapointing. i mean..after all i'd said about loving them..what could you expect?
i just think they're really really good kids.
and i'm glad to see they're playing here march 5th..that's awhile, but i don't care. and it's with the waking eyes! oh fun.

i'm working on my tv show more. virtually all the time...mentally at least. i'm making decisions (that's new) and plans.
latest plan involves making a 15 minute short to use as a selling tool. what's the point in making a full pilot when i would just have to re-make it later anyway?
i'm going to get my teachers in on this maybe. and paul. it's my latest strategy to get paul to spend time with me.

weekends keep me away from updating and i spend too much time alone and then i have far too much to say

previously - and then

*oh random entry*

all the diarylands. - 2008.02.21
I move my head. - 2008.01.27
read the other one. - 2008.01.21
was Medium? - 2008-01-17
Or maybe I won't. - 2008.01.15

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