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disclaimer: this is the life and times of meredith r. mistletoe. i'm making a slight attempt to disguise my identity and hide things that i write about and pretend i don't feel things i do. but if you read this and i don't know you read it, then you read it at your own risk. and you should let me know you're reading it... especially because a lot of the time things need clarifying or aren't quite true anymore or etc etc etc.

note: potential employers: please do not judge me on my diaryland. that's lame.

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2003.06.07 1:28 a.m.

ugh ugh ugh.

i just had a taste of what unhappiness feels like. life is feeling too good. fragile. a couple of weeks ago i was talking with jm about fragility of life, and all the things we have. and i was saying i don't have that much to lose. but now, there's some things that are new and good, and some things that were feeling close. and and and and it's all too much. ugh ugh.

i'm sure i didn't get the part. and i thought it would be fine, because i felt good about the audition and everything so it wouldn't really matter. but it does hurt hurt. and i am so mood-swinging. well, coming down maybe? i just want want want so bad. i want to do a movie. this is an answer in a way. to do a movie, is this what i like? love? need? and on and on and on. i'm tired.

and as much as many people think i am not shy, i can be very very shy. and nervous. and gross. and i don't want to call about that car, but i want it very badly. but i am just a dumb girl. fucking girls. and i don't even know where to take it for an inspection. and i don't know anything. fuck.

and there's an open casting call tomorrow for that tv show they're shooting in regina, and i haven't heard anything about it from my agent. fucking hell. and i hate hotmail so much, that maybe if she'd emailed me i wouldn't have got it. guh.

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i wish i had written this early, when i was in such a good mood.

i worked till three then hung out with jamie. and it was such a time. we went to fuddruckers for a bit with his mum and jonny. and i bothered jonny. we scanned a picture. and just sat for hours. and hours. we looked at the glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling for more hours. and they were beautiful and we should buy one billion more. and put them everywhere. his mum made us good muffins and potatoe salad (that we didn't eat). and we sat and sat.

jamie played me guitar. and was so good. and the stuff that he'd written was so interesting. and his voice is lower, has a thicker quality when he sings. and it was nice nice nice. especially when he was comfortabler, and just kept going. and stopped being like 'hey, you wanna hear this?', because i clearly did.

(i don't know what you mean to me. when you call on the telephone. and i don't know what you mean to me. but i want to turn you on, turn you up, figure you out, i want to take you on...(r.e.m.))

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i went to a semi cast party at katrina's for children's theatre. it was silly because there were only four of us, and mitch was the only one really drunk. it was pretty funny. not the best time to be had, and i wish i'd seen maggi and not had to leave jamie. but, it was probably for the best, it's good to say good-bye kind of to people. i hope that i still talk to katrina though, as i find her pretty interesting and fun.

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i'm looking forward to this night of sleep, more than anything. or i was, before i got a sick feeling in my stomach. ug. i should see anyone for days. i should go off into the woods alone. my life is not built on other people and their whims. their casting decisions and their love. oh oh. i wish...

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this moon sweater will protect me.

previously - and then

*oh random entry*

all the diarylands. - 2008.02.21
I move my head. - 2008.01.27
read the other one. - 2008.01.21
was Medium? - 2008-01-17
Or maybe I won't. - 2008.01.15

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