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disclaimer: this is the life and times of meredith r. mistletoe. i'm making a slight attempt to disguise my identity and hide things that i write about and pretend i don't feel things i do. but if you read this and i don't know you read it, then you read it at your own risk. and you should let me know you're reading it... especially because a lot of the time things need clarifying or aren't quite true anymore or etc etc etc.

note: potential employers: please do not judge me on my diaryland. that's lame.

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2002.04.07 11:09 p.m.

ho-la.

everyone joining diaryland! the excitedness oozing through me, almost like some sort of...yes, cum...(sorry, i forgot that i don't make those jokes here...heehee.)

but it is fairly orgasmic none the less. none the more.

okay...alix kim (who hasn't made an entry yet.sigh.) graeme! ryan.....this is all too much, much too much. but it's fine. wow i love these kids. gorgeousness abounds.

so one of the busboys at jerry's? his name's matthew dean. yep just like mattdean. how odd. and strange. i'm going to date him. or i would if i found him attractive in any way.

speaking of which, aaron called me this evening and was pouting so badly when i wouldn't go out for coffee with him. fuck. so i told him i'd go tomorrow. but i don't want to. at all. maybe never.

html is sucking my ass today. it's making me vulgar and un-fruitfull. yes. i just don't understand it sometimes. and i can't read cutoutstars because of some html problem i'm sure... and goddamn. i'm just frustrated.

yuck.

i also think i have pms! yay! o damn, i have to go get my drugs. soon.


i'm sad about how i want to do soooo many things. and i tell people that i'm doing all of them so that they'll be excited for me and encouraging. but it's so hard when i decide not to do it.

i should move out or get a car. or both. but...it takes money. i don't know what i should do with my life. part of me wants to go to school and take something that is guaranteed to make me money in the end, something stable and family-making.

employment insurance screwed up on the checks (technical glitch or some such thing)...and so my family and i have virtually no money. actually less than no money. and i don't get paid until the twentyeth. i'm trying to pretend that nothing's wrong, that everything is right and just and good in this world. but we are so fucking poor. and me living here still without paying a decent amount of rent is just a burden on my mum...how could i do that to her?

my friends say that they never want to be business men, they never want to have a job they hate just to support themselves...and i agree. i don't ever want that either. for them or for me. but they can't see. how it is. to not have bus fair or lunch money.

there's this book, called twopence to cross the mercy, and it's by helen forrester. please read it. especially if you are depressed. if you think that your life is wrong and harsh and thick. please?

i am so stupid to want a baby. i am so stupid to want to commit myself to staying so uncertain forever. i want to just have enough. or slightly spilling over into more than enough so that i am full and giving. i think i could be in food not bombs if i had money(any money)...i could be political...

and i am still in such denial about all of this. (i used to hate and dread the bi-yearly wellfare, poor conversation that would come up in one class or another...the ignorangce that could flow through a room of young people. the way that they'd hurt me and i'd never really explain why.)

o fuck me.

i've just been working to long. luckily it's friday for me. except that now none of my friends have their weekends.

by the by...does anyone want to move out with me...there's a two bedroom house off broadway, cute, comfortable, cosy, for $600/month...i want it so badly. i bet i could keep my kittens with me then... i've been working too much. i should sleep. i should

previously - and then

*oh random entry*

all the diarylands. - 2008.02.21
I move my head. - 2008.01.27
read the other one. - 2008.01.21
was Medium? - 2008-01-17
Or maybe I won't. - 2008.01.15

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