note: potential employers: please do not judge me on my diaryland. that's lame.

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2003.12.06 11:19 a.m.

i woke up in a panic. this hasn't happened so far. i've remained fairly ignorant of my impending dooooom. seriously i probably think about it most while i'm on here. i am seriously beyond seriously going to be homeless. i'm not even lying.

wow.

okay, i've found a possible venue for a going away/christmas party/ potluck thing..so now i need a date, i was thinking after christmas before new years. and what are people's plans for new years? because it will likely be my last night here..

and then homelessness!

in order to ignore my near-approaching death, i've been watching way way too much sex and the city. i've watched 15 episodes in the past few days. awesome. they all have their own apartments. and are independent. but they're also in their thirties. i feel so helpless and too-small.

list of things i don't know how to do:
get my phone set up
sign a lease
transfer banks
pay my bills
get stuff home(like all my luggage)
get a job
buy furniture
ahhh i'm so not ready to be independent. co-dependent maybe. oh someone take care of me. it'd be different to be going with someone who also didn't know. we'd figure it out. but all alone is terrifying.

i would like to live alone though...

oh i just want to go back to bed. do you realize that i haven't even booked my flight yet? or packed anything? everything is falling to pieces. makes sense. i never do anything i say i'm going to do.

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i keep drinking from my 'dear santa, don't forget me' mug. i like it a lot. i drink so much tea.

i went shopping yesterday with steve. we didn't buy anything. chinese food, that's it. it was odd. i wasn't in the mood really at all. i have -12000 monies. i'm getting you all road presents for christmas. that is, things i've found on the road.

i worked at the bay some more last night. it was okay. some people i work with are pretty cool and funny. i don't really like my manager though. she's...i don't even know. i like sarah and regan, sarah was going to try and set me up with her friend nigel. what a funny name. apparantly he's a fantastic piano player and singer. but i'm leaving oh-so quickly holygodlessthanamonthwhatamithinkingi'mgoingtodie.

i made myself an 'i like stuff' t-shirt. i do like it. makes me laugh. and that's what i dress for. laughter.

erinwalton told me that it might be the last hiphop/dj night at louis, so me and steve went yesterday. but it turned out to be some big hip hop show that cost $10. so we said fuck that noise. and went home. i wish that things didn't cost money. i wouldn't mind seeing a good hip hop show.

i'm supposed to have plans with jm tonight. we'll see how that goes. i'm still slightly irritated with him. and i don't know what i want to say...though there are things. argh. i wish i felt like talking. maybe later i guess.

so i have four cats okay? it seems like a lot. it is a lot. too many even. i've always had cats. i think that there's only been weeks in my life without them. i have lots of people to say things about..but kittens.....

they way their stomachs smell. the way that when the curl up with you, it's so much easier to relax. how silly they look when they loose their dignity. how funny when they chase their tails. when they wake up and have sleepy eyes and do a big stretch. how they don't like attention except exactly at the moment they choose. chasing them around. or being chased. babies playing with them. cactus and rerun helping to make the beds. pansy knocking on the door, sounding just like a person. adventure cat continuously smacking her head into the door. when i cry, they all come and find me and gather around and mew. the way that rerun waits so patiently for my icecream/cereal/soup bowl. and adventure doesn't wait at all. the way that adventure is always trying to eat my hands and face and stuffed toys and clothes. that rerun lies on my mum's arm every morning while she writes. the way that pansy sleeps on my bed and gets up when i do. oh everything. i don't know how i'll leave them.

previously - and then

*oh random entry*

all the diarylands. - 2008.02.21
I move my head. - 2008.01.27
read the other one. - 2008.01.21
was Medium? - 2008-01-17
Or maybe I won't. - 2008.01.15

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