note: potential employers: please do not judge me on my diaryland. that's lame.

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2006.10.11 3:34 p.m.

I seem to accidentally come down with a case of depression. Well, I feel like it has (mostly.. almost maybe) lifted.
It's just so hard to do anything some days.

Like write proper diary entries. It's actually been stressing me out. I like keeping this diary. I like writing.
I have been writing though. Working on the new issue of et puis? magazine. Speaking of, the first (and worst) issue (impunity jane) is now viewable online: over here. So if I haven't mailed you one, you can go look at it. Right now. Do it.

I'm updating my photostream pretty frequently, so go and look at it.

I hate it when not doing things is more stressful than if I just got it over with. Like calling people that I should call. But I won't!!

Curtis and I went on another date, last week. We went to Cafe Dip on College street. Which is for some reason overly-popular and a staple of Little Italy.. but I've never been overly-impressed with the food. But it's a fine place to just sit. And they have normal kinds of food that Curtis likes (he really only likes to eat chicken.. just prepared in different ways). It was kind of nice. We made plans to go out again that week but then I got called to go and do background work on some TV show so I had to cancel. Which I did via text-messaging.. and I said I would call him the following day. But I forgot. And then I just haven't called him. I don't know why. I just haven't. I haven't really been into calling anyone. Especially for a couple of days there where I mostly didn't leave the house.

Now it feels like it's been too long and it'll be so awkward to call him and I'll be upset if he's mad at me and upset if he's not mad at me. And to keep going on dates with him is just delaying the inevitable because we are so radically different that it's ridiculous.
But I do like him. And I do think he's nice.
Oh I don't know.
That's a big part of not calling him. I just don't know what to say.

Jonathan, Sophia's cat, is staying with me. He's pretty nice. A tabby with a lot of white, very soft. And he sleeps on my head every night. It's kind of reassuring actually.
I'm not responsible enough to own my own cat.

It's been more than a year and a half since I've had any semblance of a relationship.

Niki says it's a valid worry if I am worried about it.
I like that theory.

Lately I've started to trying to be affectionate with Niki.. with hilarious results. We've never been affectionate in our lives.. with each other I mean. So I've taken to holding her hand a lot and patting her awkwardly. I can't get over how funny I find this.

Her household had a party a couple of weekends ago. I holed up in Nathanael's room and worked on the new MCDA single. I need to go and get that burned and uploaded onto the interweb. It's pretty hilariously good.
In the middle of the night we all decided to go and see some Nuit Blanche, which was an all night, city-wide, art experience. Art galleries and public spaces and parks all had installations and it went from 7pm to 7am. We went to Trinity-Bellwoods park and it was raining a bit and there were matching tents set up all in lines in this one little valley. So many tents and each one had something different inside (mostly about war or mental illness from what I could tell). We went to the indoor pool there and there were DJs spinning and everyone swimming. If only we'd brought suits!! I can't believe I didn't go swimming honestly. Aii.
Late, Niki and I separated and stumbled down the slick hills, getting wet and muddy. We explored a good chunk of the tents. And sat in a couple of them for extended amounts of time. My legs and everything got so dirty and I started putting leaves in my hair and then I put mud on our faces. War painted.

It is pretty amazing how that red lipstick stays on. Just amazing. It goes on like acrylic paint!!

Miranda was in town for Thanksgiving. It was really nice to see her. Although it just makes me miss her more now. And I most likely won't see her until the end of the school year as I'll be in Saskatoon while she is here. Balls to that, I say.
She came from brunch with Jo and Dana and I last week and we all talked overly-explicitly about sex for long periods of time. And we stayed well past closing. Which I love.
I love David. I love going to Aunties to visit him. He's such a dear.

I bake and bake and bake. How fabulous ovens are. Although I was so, so right about the dirty dishes and the weight gain.

How sad it is to live alone.
Making cookies seems pointless unless there's someone to eat them. I only bake when there's people to bring the cookies to.. or people to come over and eat them. That's what Niki's good for mostly.

Last Tuesday and this Tuesday we made supper and cookies and watched Veronica Mars. Shit I love Veronica Mars. I missed the entire second season and I have NO idea what's going on but I still love it. It's on a weird secret hidden channel that my TV doesn't really pick up.. so I have to be home to watch it and I can't use the remote to change channels. So Tuesdays are in days.
Where the hell did House go?
No really.

Niki and I made such a good soup last night. Tomato-barley. With Two full onions and lots of garlic. Barley is a very good grain.

Then we went out to Gypsy, where Dana starts work tonight. Dana can't have jobs! Who will party all the time with me?? Tamara played a couple of songs and Entire Cities played. They get better and better. I danced a bit.
I accidentally started hitting on this guy that Leslie had been hitting on. And then I continued. Because I'm selfish like that. Except that I wasn't really hitting on him.. I just like talking to people I don't know. Especially when I'm drunk. Which is always these days. Cause when I stop then I'm just sad.

Awkwardly drunk last night I kept introducing myself to Dana and Leslie's friends as their bandmate. You might recognise me, I'm in MCDA. They'd never heard of us. D + L need to do way more promotion for us.

Seeing as most of the band goes to U of T, I think we'll book space there and rehearse. At the rate we're going, we'll be ready for performance around 2k8. Shit dog.

Hurrah!!! I'm writing an entry!!!!!

I'm back into reading.
I payed off my library fines, so that's an option again. I would also like to get lots of movies out from the library.

Yesterday I was so productive. I applied for jobs and I went and go Ontario health coverage. Uh huh. No I can be sick all I want around here and no one can stop me.
It was remarkably easy. I'm scared to see what my picture'll look like. I'm completely un-photogenic under pressure.

Speaking of which... I haven't had an audition in around three hundred years and I feel like I'm suffocating and drowning and I really just don't know what to do about it. At all. And I feel like I should get new headshots even though I just got new headshots.. and whatever.
But my hair is remarkably different.. and I don't even know if I like my current ones thaaat much.
I do, I mean.

So, you see, jobless, auditionless, loveless, alone, I feel like I'm not being completely irrational in just wanting to sleep and watch TV and drink.

But this too, in time, shall pass. I can feel it going already maybe.

previously - and then

*oh random entry*

all the diarylands. - 2008.02.21
I move my head. - 2008.01.27
read the other one. - 2008.01.21
was Medium? - 2008-01-17
Or maybe I won't. - 2008.01.15

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