note: potential employers: please do not judge me on my diaryland. that's lame.

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2003.10.23 9:11 p.m.

i guess it's mostly that i fully expected to meet him. i honestly believe that i'll be famous, and that i'll come into contact with all these people who i love from afar. so i feel no restraint in giving my heart away constantly.

but you know i've loved him best.

he's my favorite artist, someone i've never fickled away from. someone i always defend at any criticism. and i'll probably continue to do so. i know that he's had problems for years with alcohol and drugs. that's clear to anyone. but for what i've was hearing, he was also having trouble with his arms. and for someone who's life is based around guitars..that could be depressing. maybe i just want that to be the reason..maybe i want to believe that he was stronger...

oh it's so strange. how could you stab yourself in the heart?

i really thought that he and i would be friends. on the forum on one of his websites, he signs his name 'hhhelliott'. helliott? he goes along with me and killary and nikill and alisin.

it's hard in life to bottle it up. but greif of someone you didn't know isn't justified. and there isn't a way of dealing with it.

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i actually can't think about it.

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i'm still excited about college. but also not.

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on the cute boy front: jm had told me that sweet constantine had forgotten my name and asked him about it (this did not surprise me)..but jm forgot to tell me that after he reminded sweet of my name another guy asked for my last name (sexpot-mistletoe), and when jm told them the guy made fun of it. and then sweet said something along the lines of 'i think it's good, i think it makes her more attractive'. it's just something.

i'm so bored. i'd like a boy who loves elliott smith too.

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i don't hate work as badly these days. it could keep on being fun if danielle continues to find ways to make it fun. we're donating lots of profits to fund breast cancer research and we're supposed to decorate for hallowe'en and me and danielle are so going as jerry for hallowe'en. i heartily suggest you coming by that day. especially for the mini-hummer. we have to get to work on that.

steve and danielle and i have been seeing a lot of each other. it's good. steve is such a grump..it's funny. and danielle is such an airhead and i am so annoying. at pizza hut yesterday i flung my fork out of the booth and got half-eaten pizza on the floor. steve and i saw finding nemo today. it wasn't as good as i'd hoped. though the forgetful fish was pretty awesome at times. i love movies though, i got nine out of the library yesterday. i like having a selection.

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i keep trying to ignore all my feelings but it's all really getting to me.

previously - and then

*oh random entry*

all the diarylands. - 2008.02.21
I move my head. - 2008.01.27
read the other one. - 2008.01.21
was Medium? - 2008-01-17
Or maybe I won't. - 2008.01.15

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