note: potential employers: please do not judge me on my diaryland. that's lame.

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2002.05.31 12:25 p.m.

(can you feel my hearbeat when i'm close to you....i'll never find another way to say i love you more each day...)

ah tahiti 80...

i am definately in a mood. what kind of a mood, is hard to pin down. but i've been in it since work yesterday. it's verge depression i think. because i really don't care about anything. at least not in a positive sense. i care only that jerry's is ass, that i won't get to go to toronto (i can feel it), that everyone is gone gone going. and so on and so on and so on and so on. fuck.

all i want is a cozy store. to be alone (with everyone i love) in.

my mum did buy us harry potter though, and for that i am happy. actually, that's all i did yesterday. watch harry potter. and come onto diaryland.

actually there was a very strange highlight to my dad yesterday. alvin(toad) stopped by. just out of the blue (but completely in character). yes yes, he's fairly brilliant. and i do get to say this, because i know it. more than most people. we got along swimmingly, which is often a bit of a trial. we looks/sounds/is a lot better. a lot. we carried on normal conversations. and when i asked him questions most of the time i got some sort of reasonable answer. his face is thinner. maybe due to the fact that he isn't taking medications right now (to my disaproval (?) i don't even know anymore). but i think the most interesting part is that he didn't hit on me. he didn't even try to touch me. which is really strange. and positive. because that's usually what we fight about. he says his family hate all his friends (especially the girls) and miss me. ha. i told him to tell laura to be ready to sing me my favorite song. i'd make niki sing it but that takes too much effort. and she doesn't do it with as much gusto.

alvin's not seeing a counsellor either. his parents got him to come home fromhis hitchhiking by telling him there'd be nothing he had to do when he got home. i kinda think they should have let him get it all out of him. he'd have come back eventually. probably. but me and his parents don't think a like i don't think. what a sad kid really, all he wants to do it make music. he said he and hank are getting a band together. really soon.

and next year he wants to have babies and have a band that makes money.

i don't know where this having babies idea has come from....but, he seems really sort of set on it.

which is insane.

i don't know. maybe he envies hank? which is odd. not that river rhiw isn't one of the most gorgeous children i've ever seen. but...actually river rhiw is the most important thing to hank. beyond anything. not that it has made him more responsible really.

i don't know. i hope he forgets about it soon.

(i think this might just be god being a huge prick to me. 'ooo, look meredith, a boy to have babies with, don't you lovehim? i thought you wanted him more than anyone in this world? blah blah blah. well suck it god.)

i should get a move on and get some shit done this afternoon.

really. toad for a visit

previously - and then

*oh random entry*

all the diarylands. - 2008.02.21
I move my head. - 2008.01.27
read the other one. - 2008.01.21
was Medium? - 2008-01-17
Or maybe I won't. - 2008.01.15

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