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disclaimer: this is the life and times of meredith r. mistletoe. i'm making a slight attempt to disguise my identity and hide things that i write about and pretend i don't feel things i do. but if you read this and i don't know you read it, then you read it at your own risk. and you should let me know you're reading it... especially because a lot of the time things need clarifying or aren't quite true anymore or etc etc etc.

note: potential employers: please do not judge me on my diaryland. that's lame.


2007.02.03 3:18 p.m.

New /private.

I guess the plus side of getting depressed is that when it lifts life is extra good? Or you notice it more?
Attempt at being positive, etc.
All the sadness has come back and I am left without energy or drive and I need to sleep twelve hours a day just to get on. Bits of panicked energy come and go.. I'm unable to use it properly.

I'm losing my mind. I just about left Chala's play last night in the middle on account of feeling so nauseous and irritable I thought I would cry or barf.. or both.
And why? I don't think it was physical. Maybe it was. I was getting sort of panicked about how bad I was feeling too. I'm totally losing it.
I could not could not could not get this image out of my head that I'd dreamt the night before. It was of a skin thing on someone's leg. I don't think it's a real skin thing and I can't even begin to describe it because it's making me gag just thinking about it. And also, describing it, it sounds like nothing. It is nothing.
Why would my brain make this up?
Oh my god I just want this image out of my brain.

Things are falling apart. Except that they aren't and I am over-reactive.

Yesterday and today I was getting so irritated with things to a degree that wasn't even close to healthy. Things people were saying, textures of things on my skin, certain smells, the slowness of the internet, etc etc.
Irritable to the point of combustion.
All I wanted to do last night was roll around scratching my skin on things, kicking and screaming.

I wonder what is wrong.

I go to the gym a lot. I'm trying to get into the best shape of my life. Which won't be hard considering I have never never ever been in good shape. Ever. Except possibly as a small child.. even then..
I have even started pushing myself.. a bit.. to do more than I feel like (which isn't much these days considering even standing up is hard work).

Seeing Naomi a lot. We did a photoshoot for her the other day. Some turned out alright. I will scan them in at some point and then you can see for yourself. I had nightmares of them all turning out black/terrible/etc.
I expect a whole lot from myself and I feel like nothing is worth doing if I can't do it perfectly right away. But the truth is that I am a beginner photographer with absolutely no training, no idea of how/why cameras work, no concept of the basic principles of photography.
I should take a class.

This is the one she likes best I think:

Went out with Naomi and Katrina the other night to see Naomi's new beau play some blues. I am not a fan of blues. But I am a fan of beer. So we drank a lot of that and then the evening was fun.

Drunk tobogganing on Thursday. That was also fun. Even though I was irritable and sour-faced. I rolled down a massive hill, that was probably the best part. And I climbed a tree (that was too thick with branches to be for climbing, but i pushed through because I'm hard as fuck) and refused to come down. I think Sophia hit her head around four times. Maybe helmets aren't such a bad idea.

I hung out with David the other day. Seeing him always makes me feel better even though I didn't talk about anything. He gave me soup and we watched Fawlty Towers.
There, a good time that I had while sober.

Things are actually alright. If I weren't such a deservist I would be able to see that.

previously - and then

*oh random entry*

all the diarylands. - 2008.02.21
I move my head. - 2008.01.27
read the other one. - 2008.01.21
was Medium? - 2008-01-17
Or maybe I won't. - 2008.01.15

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