note: potential employers: please do not judge me on my diaryland. that's lame.

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2005.03.28 12:27 p.m.

god damn i'm tired all of a sudden.

well. my bad mood seems here to stay. it's settling in like the plague or something.

so i did what every moody teenager does (shutup i'm still a teenager), i dyed my hair black. i should get a camera and take a picture because it's wash-out dye. but every teenager should have black hair sometime. yeah.
and it looks surprisingly good.
well, i mean, i'm so pretty that it's hard for me to look bad.

busy weekend. long weekend.
i need to get a job. this doing nothing is kind of ridiculous.
especially when nick also has nothing to do. incubate-and-bond in double-time-full-force.

but things are good. i keep thinking maybe things aren't. but then i see him and they really are. i like him quite a lot especially because his eyes crinkle when he smiles and it makes me laugh.
and especially because he's really funny and enjoyable to be around.

except how i'm always in a bad mood. i think he could get sick of this quickly. me too.

i went to see his play on thursday and it was really good. (and so fucking long.) he was definitely one of the best actors. the whole thing was pretty funny. i wish niki had seen it. she would have laughed.
i hung out with owen, nick's best friend and bandmate, and kept trying to hit on him. oh the hillarity. i kept referring to it as our first date and so on. owen's fun though, so he liked it. and played along. and i kept doing it in front of nick and he just rolled his eyes.
which he does a lot around me..
funny.

i made nick watch my so-called life. he was really impressed. good thing.
and we watched corner gas.
we're really boring.
but boring together is better than depressed alone.

had easter dinner at nick's parents house last night. a big get-together with his grandparents, and brother and friend, and family friends, and owen and alex (band and friend). it was so fun though. way better than i expected. lots of wine. and chocolate and really good food (and thing i could eat..) and funny stories and everyone seemed to like me(how could they not?).
i really didn't want to go but i'm glad i did. though i haven't made time for a good cry lately and i think that would be fruitful. or something.

i'm constantly on the verge of hysterics though and that's an interesting feeling too. i think it's giving me a little life.
the other night i was in the most awful, awful state and nick was over and i wanted him to fix it but i didn't know what was wrong and i just wanted to weep and also scratch at everything and also cut up all of my skin, which is kind of interesting because i haven't wanted to do that in some while..
the whole thing is fascinating. as well as disturbing.
and i couldn't ask him for anything and i tried to avoid putting my bad mood on him and i'm sure it was frustrating him to not know what was going on with me. but i don't either.
i don't know.
i'll blame it all on pms. but i'm not sure that's it.

it comes down to that i need to start doing something. creating something, driving something, moving something, growing in some way.

and i feel like i should be happier because of nick. but boys don't solve all apparantly. they don't even solve things with other boys. even if you'd really really like them to.

i'm constantly feeling strangled and bound.

but i'm also lively and funny and happy still. in increments.

oh yes the baby.

i think too much.

tommy in class the other day
"i was going to wear my hat that says 'virgins are my specialty' but apparantly (looking pointedly at a couple of the girls) i'm a sexual harrasser".
brilliant observation.
i might beat him down.
i really, really want to inflict pain.

okay, i'm going to go do something productive. like write, for at least 15 minutes.
at least.

previously - and then

*oh random entry*

all the diarylands. - 2008.02.21
I move my head. - 2008.01.27
read the other one. - 2008.01.21
was Medium? - 2008-01-17
Or maybe I won't. - 2008.01.15

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