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disclaimer: this is the life and times of meredith r. mistletoe. i'm making a slight attempt to disguise my identity and hide things that i write about and pretend i don't feel things i do. but if you read this and i don't know you read it, then you read it at your own risk. and you should let me know you're reading it... especially because a lot of the time things need clarifying or aren't quite true anymore or etc etc etc.

note: potential employers: please do not judge me on my diaryland. that's lame.

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2003.12.04 11:55 p.m.

second entry today. that's what days off'll do for ya.

every time i think that people aren't as good, something more happens to make it better. i really hate people sometimes. i hate being disliked. but how much i'm loved makes up for it right now i think.

i really hate arguing. so much. even debates, i'm not that fond of. it's kind of odd, since's it's one of niki's favorite things. but it's not for me. i always lose any train of thought and over-react. it just gets me.

alvin and i used to get into these huge arguments on the phone (and in person sometimes) where we'd never get anywhere. and i'd always be trying to get him to answer things. and he'd get so mad, and i'd feel just terrible. i used to bathe and bathe when i was with him. i'd have baths every day and just soak. slide as much under water and swish my hair around. he'd always call when i was in the bath. i used to keep arguing. trying to change the tone of the argument. change my feelings to have some peace when i hung up. but nothing would change. and i'd always feel so lost. i had kind of forgotten about that until talking to jeffmorton this evening.

i'm terrible at relationships. i think i have some masochistic tendencies. i, of course, was thinking about this while watching (lots and lots of) sex and the city. i relate to carrie sometimes. i'm too ridiculous.

point is that i had a hard conversation with jm tonight. i don't know all the reasons why it was hard exactly.. we were arguing about sunday night (when niki and i had gotten into an argument with him and colin and jen). i felt like he was blaming me and hating niki and that we were disapointing or something. that he'd never thought about it from our point of view. this is why i hate arguments. i also hate that i'm always the one to bring up everything with jm, that he'd never do it first. also that he doesn't like to be mad. i'm mad all the time. it's a rational feeling...

the truth is that i do love him. i value our friendship so much. i can't do the writing about him thing today though.. (besides. i already did steve this morning.)

i'm tired again. and depressed.

it was an okay day though. i did a little shopping. saw hillary(!) who gave me an awesome apple crisp booster juice, and we made plans for next week. i also saw worknadia in the mall with ex-worknicole, who's coming to the christmas party and i'll be glad to see. i got some more sex and the city out of the library (and watched it). i got gel nails put on (they look ugly and out-of-place and aren't very well done, but they're funny and hopefully will do the trick). and i went out this evening with steven, to moxies. it was good. i had a crantini and some med bread. we drove around honking and waving to strangers. and tried to get dan but she wasn't home. probably out sucking cock.

that's all i got. i'm tired of thinking. i'm stressed and getting so good at blocking. but it's only worse in the end.

previously - and then

*oh random entry*

all the diarylands. - 2008.02.21
I move my head. - 2008.01.27
read the other one. - 2008.01.21
was Medium? - 2008-01-17
Or maybe I won't. - 2008.01.15

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