note: potential employers: please do not judge me on my diaryland. that's lame.

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2006.07.06 3:48 p.m.

The terrible smell in my fridge is getting into all the food in there. The problem is that there are plenty of rotting things in there that could be causing this.. but I'm not sure which one it is. Luckily tonight is garbage night so I will just throw everything out and start fresh. Or close anyway.

Wow, I really wish I didn't feel the need to catch up in here.. but I really do.
It's true. It is the good girls that keep diaries. I just haven't had time.

Thursday night J Adam came over and then we went out with Sophia and their friends from Ryerson (the half of the class I don't really know). It was alright. I was just in an awful mood all day. I was preoccupied with how I needed to break things off with J Adam.. and why.
Conveniently he hadn't mentioned that his trip to Montreal the next day was to see his ex-girlfriend. And that came out when we ran into a friend of his.
Ex-girlfriend hang-ups are always a good reason to end things. Because frequently the real reasons are too obscure and intangible to put proper words to.

I went home early and J Adam came over after he was done partying but I didn't wake up. So in the morning I tried avoiding everything but he made me talk to him and I said that we should stop seeing each other. I hate ending anything. I hate feeling mean or uncommunicative. But I am that way a lot. As a reaction to feeling scared or vulnerable I get very cold and very mean.
J Adam said it was too soon to be ending things, but I pointed out that there wouldn't be a better time. He's going to Europe for a month very soon, and then I'll be in Saskatoon for quite awhile..
But yes. Ending things without a solid reason is always so uncertain.

This year I've been all about not defining anything. Refusing to have a "boyfriend", etc.
What I've learned from this is, that doesn't make any of it any easier. And in some cases, it can just mess things up more. Leaving relationships undefined makes it impossible to ask anything of the other person. Or to be asked from. And while I have serious doubts about my fidelity skills, it's something I should work on.

It's scary to have not fallen in love since I was seventeen. More so considering that situation.
I wish that I would feel like it was possible again. I hate that it is consistently about winning and losing. And I hate the flip-flopping of all my inclinations. I'm still of the mindset that when I find someone to love then I'll know it, it's not something that I will have to grow into, be talked into, build to...
I don't know if this is true or not.. but I do think that way.

On the other hand, there's at least two or three or four boys that I think I'd fall in love with someday.

I hate messing up friendships for getting involved. It's silly and I do it far too often, especially when I'm certain of it being short-lived. Luckily, in my life, it's usually been something that can be worked through.. but it's always a silly risk. And I keep doing it.

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Thursday night I went and hung out with Sarah at her house. That was kind of nice. We drank gin and talked about boys. Miranda and Jack came and joined us and then we all went to Bistro 422 to drink cheaply. We were joined by Nathanael and Dana and her friend Agata.

I worked Saturday and Sunday and did alright, but not great. The tax cut has fucked us over. Before our beer prices were even: 6.25, 9, etc. Now they are all 1% lower. We never had to deal with change besides quarters and loons and twons, and now we have to deal with allll of it. Down to the penny. Who cares about pennies???? Ugh. Now we all need calculators for every little transaction. It slows things down and makes us all look like idiots.
But besides that it was fun.

Saturday night I went with Sophia over to Morgan and Jamie's house. They were having a BBQ so there were a lot of kids over there. People went out afterwards but I just went home since I had to work the next day.

Sunday Ashley got into town and I met her and her uncle and then we went and hung out at my house. We decided to go for cake and sangria at Future's so I called up Nathanael and Dana (who brought Jack and her friend Jordy). We had a good patio sit and ate cheesecake. Mmmhmm. Dana and Jordy told a hilarious story about this flamboyantly gay 11 year old boy they know and it has inspired another character for the Major Babes script.

Then Ashley, Nathanael and I went and met the Ryerson kids and Rebecca at the Tap and had more drinks and fries.

Then we went SWIMMING. Nathanael, Ashley and I. We climbed the fence into the public pool by my house. There were a lot of other kids in there and the floodlights were on so it felt like it was open even. Except the inappropriate swimwear I guess.
It was such a time. I just cavorted around like an idiot and didn't care. Jumped around and did summersaults and lay on my back thinking 'how can the sky be this black?'.
Some of the other kids were smoking and Nathanael called to them "No smoking! No smoking guys!" and I almost peed with laughter.

Monday Ashley and I had brunch at Maggie's and shopped Chinatown and Kensington. We got some neat stuff and I visited my friend Chris at the cheese store.
I made supper for us and we watched Twist. Then we went and got ice-cream and visited Miranda.
We were planning on swimming again but everyone went to sleep.

Tuesday Ashley, Miranda and I went to Niagara Falls. Miranda drove us and that was sweet because Ashley really wanted to go. They got along well so it gave me a chance to work on my lines for my audition in the car. It was hot out there and I was tired but it was a fun day. We looked at the water and rode the "skywheel" which was a giant ferris wheel that you could see the falls from when you were at the top. We ate breakfast at Montana's and I had a tonne of pancakes.
We also did this:

I'm not sure it was worth thirty dollars, but it sure was fun. Check out the gun in my garter. Uh huh.

We came back into town so that Miranda could go to work. Ashley and I went and had dinner at Chala's house. We sat out in her backyard with one of her roommates and chatted. It was interesting to be with two girls that I just know so well. Just for sooo long.

Then Ashley went to Honest Ed's (something that very much needs to experienced) and I went home to have a nap that never happened.. just too much to do.
Then we went swimming! Tamara, Chala, Gwyneth and her friend Drew all came along. What a party. And it was super fun for only about 15 or 20 minutes. Then Ashley and Gwyneth saw someone inside the attached building. So we all ran away (as much as one can "run away" when there's fence climbing involved). Also we only hurried until we were on the other side of the fence. Then we stuck around to see if anything would happen. But nothing did. He didn't even stick his head outside. I do wonder what would've happened if we'd kept swimming.
I intend on going back. And soon. And frequently.

Yesterday I took Ashley to the airport in the early morning. It made me very sad not to be going home too. Or at least to be picking up my mother.
I remembered seeing her there that time I went to get her, how small she looked.

I went home and napped and then went to my audition. It was my first audition for a feature film. It was a big budget American picture. They're seeing girls everywhere, and according to Naomi, it might even just be a formality auditioning girls in Canada. They have to audition here if they're filming here even if they've already cast Hilary Duff or some other nonsense. Naomi and Tamara both auditioned for the same part.
BUT it was a great opportunity. Mostly just to get seen by that casting director, seeing as she does a lot of important casting.
And I had fun, besides being incredibly nervous. It was a lot of relationship scenes and the reader was a babe, which made it easier.

J Adam called yesterday. back early from Montreal. It made me feel weird because maybe I had been missing him but I've had too much sadness lately and I push it all aside and turn it to anger.
So I was cold on the phone and the wires and electronics all get in the way anyhow..

Last night Tamara's band, The Weather Station, played at Free Times. Again: Best thing I've seen all year. I was near tears the whole set. But in a good way. It's so beautiful I think. Heartbreaking of course, but just pure beauty.
Saw David and Paul (who I just don't get enough of these days) and Dana and Leslie and chatted a bit and went home early. Or what I thought was early but it was actually close to midnight.
On the way I ran into Adam Jones and was happy to see him. I told him about my audition and how they're seeing hundreds of girls for the part and he said "but you are magical".
Awww.

I'm having a serious stomach ache about money today. Why the fuck did I get a credit card?
But I booked my trip home. And I'm staying longer than two weeks. Because I decided to and I'm an adult and if I think it's worth missing one more day of work to stay two days longer then I get to.
Come home: Wednesday August 9th at 9:30 am (there better be someone to fetch me)
Leave: Friday August 25th 6 am.

That's only a month away, really. Oh I just miss my mum too much though.

previously - and then

*oh random entry*

all the diarylands. - 2008.02.21
I move my head. - 2008.01.27
read the other one. - 2008.01.21
was Medium? - 2008-01-17
Or maybe I won't. - 2008.01.15

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