note: potential employers: please do not judge me on my diaryland. that's lame.

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2004.10.30 2:51 p.m.

yeah i just got up recently. and all i want to do is go back to bed.
just because i know the source of the bad mood doesn't mean that it negates it. which is too bad. it really should.
i just feel like i see things more clearly. i'm envious of people who show their bad moods more. i have a tendency to cover it up..and then it wells up.

it's odd you know, how some people will do anything to avoid talking about things that matter. and with some people that's a major thing they want to do. it's like they think it'll make you closer with them..or something. but really, no one wants other people's shit put on them. not really. maybe people just want to feel like good friends even when they aren't really.
i know i do.
i'd really like to change that.
every interaction i have is based on humour and attention. that makes me feel ill.

apparantly when my mum was much younger some of her friends staged an intervention to tell her that her way of interacting was completely unacceptable. because she'd just mock everything. she really doesn't do that now. i wonder what changed..

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work was busy. i hate customers. i want a job where i don't have to serve people.

steve called me last night. she did end up breaking up with adam. and she was so sad. and there wasn't anything i could say really.
i really hate relationships. and miss bits of them.

we went to the show at the unitarian centre. me and joel and niki i mean. and lots of other people obviously. it was good. i think it was actually more fun than i percieved it to be. even after drinking a bit i was still off. i kind of liked all the bands. from what i paying attention to.

then we went to jim's house to party down. it was pretty good i think. i really like jody..she was really nice and such a funny drunk. so delicate about it. i always like seeing jeffpederson because he's so funny. and alisin is leaving so soon. that's ridiculous.
i just wanted to go to sleep..but i also felt compelled to stay.

i always feel like i'll miss something desperately important if i leave. same with not going at all. i rarely miss something i've been invited to. very very rarely. even if i don't much want to go. i'm so scared that i'll miss something exciting..or maybe something will have changed..or there'll be inside jokes i'm not in on.

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i had really vivid dreams last night. and they were all so long and involved and interconnected. the strange part was how they were mostly people from my life but they weren't acting exactly as i'd expect them to. but mostly. and my reactions weren't as i'd expect either. i had dreams about trying to explain the earlier dreams.
any dream involving kissing is very very strange. actually kissing in general is very strange.

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i got an email from geordie saying the mark inside still might be touring out here but probably not until january. when i'll be back home. this makes me overly sad. i would have really liked to have seen all those kids.

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i'm glad to be going for supper with my family. especially if it's lots of good food like i've been promised.

i'm unsure of plans this evening. but it's unlikely that i'll skip out, as per reasons stated above.

previously - and then

*oh random entry*

all the diarylands. - 2008.02.21
I move my head. - 2008.01.27
read the other one. - 2008.01.21
was Medium? - 2008-01-17
Or maybe I won't. - 2008.01.15

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