note: potential employers: please do not judge me on my diaryland. that's lame.

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2003.09.26 9:17 p.m.

dear diary, i rely on you. i spend days thinking of what to write here. i do things just to have things to write about. sometimes i stretch the truth. and sometimes i protect people by not writing it all...but otherwise, it's so full. of me.

except my humour. it isn't really here at all. and since this is one of my favorite qualities, it's frustrating..not to know how to use it in certain ways.

i hate sex and the city. it's so misleading. damn nation. they're always getting the boys. always. i got the first tape of the third season. and watched it all right away. it's so entertaining. it makes me want to wear high heels and pretend that men even see me. my hair was a little sarah-jessica parker today. and i did wear earings. that's a start. dangly earings. but with my baby beautiful low-riders, not stillettos. some of what she wears is quite hideous though. i hope i still have taste when i'm famous. and i hope i still look ridiculous most of the time.

i feel my personality is an infringement on my attractiveness. (maybe i've said that before.) i feel that i would be far more attractive if i spoke less. if i forced myself to make polite conversation. if i didn't come off as such a huge jerk. if when i wore a pretty dress i didn't feel the need to make it a joke, to mock myself in it..to act like i'm five and make breast jokes and so on and so on.
the odd part is that i don't even feel that negatively towards my behavior. it's just something that i've noticed. that i could change if i wanted. but it weeds out lame boys right from the start though.

i am too old and too young.

(this is getting too long, don't bare with me. bear?)

and i hate relationships but pine for one in some ways. i need a best friend to make out with. or something. i always wreck 'relationships'. because i hate them. i hate it when people expect things from me. when they feel i owe them something. when i feel obligated towards them. in all situations.

i'm actually fairly certain that i'm not built for proper relationships because i am too self-centered and oddly irritable. because in true girl fashion i don't make sense even to myself.

this is why i have so many crushes. all the time. hopefully on people who aren't near enough.
but also i can only be with people i dreadfully look up to. another girl i know has this going. we're both odd. though in different ways. i think it makes sense though. you have to both really admire each other. to be in awe, almost, for it to really work. and i'd always choose being more in awe, being less isn't for me. no sir.

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speaking of, i saw sweet constantine downtown today. he was more pleasant than usual. we interacted nicely. and smiled. he's pretty funny sometimes. and sweet. i like liking him..even though it's put on in some ways. i'm just so bored. any amusement is worthwhile.

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travis and i went to look for plays this afternoon. it was pretty nice. i quite like him. we've decided on a couple plays i think. they're both good. and awful. that's what i need. some absurdist comedies. badly.

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i always feel guilty when i don't go out on fridays and saturdays. like i'm not cool enough. like i don't have any friends. like the world must be feeling sorry for me. but it's more complex when you have to be at work at 5 in the morning. but still i am getting old and lame. and sad. that's the cue to go to bed. but first i'm going to go paint my toenails red.

previously - and then

*oh random entry*

all the diarylands. - 2008.02.21
I move my head. - 2008.01.27
read the other one. - 2008.01.21
was Medium? - 2008-01-17
Or maybe I won't. - 2008.01.15

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