note: potential employers: please do not judge me on my diaryland. that's lame.

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2004.08.12 1:44 p.m.

my heart kind of hurts with how weird i am. i seriously need to de-stress. to stop over-analyzing. but i'm not sure that's something that i can just get rid of. unfortunatly.

i'm tired of being irritating and a bad person and a terrible student. but these patterns are so engraved into my life..i don't know how to turn things around. i am changing though..i'm not sure how or where or any of that..but i am.

we had one-on-ones with paul just now. and it was fine. and by fine i mean i'm ridiculous. he said quote: "i love you to bits but you're getting unpleasant to work with" and it's a overly true. and he said that i was doing good work and also bad work and that it wasn't consistent. and that he didn't know what to make of me sometimes. and that i needed to stop judging everything that i do. and that it's obviously not talent that's the issue, it's how i work. and we talked about how i find too many things to resist and i asked what mark i was getting, and he said 75 (which is really good by his standards) and i said that's too high and i should clearly by getting a 70 (anything below that is a fail), if that. and he said "no, you're not failing" and i said "yes..i am" on my way out the door.

and then i drew a giant (funny funny) picture of myself on the white board in the other room saying "clearly, i suck, and by suck i mean win. also - your mom" (because these are things i normally say all the time) and then i gave myself a thought-bubble saying "vive la resistance".

but paul didn't think that it was funny and he asked if i should actually fail and i said no, not if it means getting kicked out of the program. and he nodded. and it was awful. and we parted ways.

so then i felt like my chest was caving in and i couldn't really breathe because it's so desperately important what he thinks of me. so i had to go and track him down and we talked some more. and it was far far better. and he said that i had to keep my moods out of things and not put it on him. which is also true. and i said i needed to figure things out in life and take this fall to fix my patterns and change my life.. but he does love me. and he said i was definitely moving towards something good and i need to trust them and trust myself. and i was saying about how i'm learning new ways of interacting with people now that i can't use my 'tricksy bits' and it's hard. and he was like 'oh, yeah, sorry about that'. he's too funny. but it ended well. i went to shake his hand but he gave me a giant bear hug and i said "thanks giant".

but he still wouldn't re-create the water fountain scene so too bad for all you. and me because it was so funny.

but i have the camera again so hopefully i'll get some more good things. and erica's having a get-together tonight so good. and geordie'll be around this weekend so maybe i'll get some footage of him. naked.

i talked to geordie for a while on the phone last night but i was half-asleep so i don't really remember it. but i think it was nice. he's coming back this weekend so we'll talk i'm sure. aw the baby.

i just found out that i didn't fail criminology. i rule. i, in fact, got a 70 even though i didn't hand in that last assignment at all. that's pure awesomeness.

i'm talking to carnathan on msn and he's so ridiculous. i like it though. we're going to hang out before i leave i hope. and i was talking to andrewkeith. it'll be so bizarre to see everyone again. i can't even imagine.

i need to go and go to class and get rid of nathan and then i'll lay it flat to dry like a polaroid picture.

previously - and then

*oh random entry*

all the diarylands. - 2008.02.21
I move my head. - 2008.01.27
read the other one. - 2008.01.21
was Medium? - 2008-01-17
Or maybe I won't. - 2008.01.15

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