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disclaimer: this is the life and times of meredith r. mistletoe. i'm making a slight attempt to disguise my identity and hide things that i write about and pretend i don't feel things i do. but if you read this and i don't know you read it, then you read it at your own risk. and you should let me know you're reading it... especially because a lot of the time things need clarifying or aren't quite true anymore or etc etc etc.

note: potential employers: please do not judge me on my diaryland. that's lame.

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2003.11.13 11:55 p.m.

i had anxiety dreams last night. about being thousands of dollars in debt (which i really am!) and all my stuff being appraised as crap (which it is!). and me having to go to some sort of detention center. then this evening i had a nap, and i had more anxiety dreams, but about fat constantine, and everyone telling him i was stalking him, and him not ordering g.c. platters. and about yelling at a rude customer and throwing her food at her whiney kid.

i'm not feeling top-notch about life. i could just sleep forever. i feel ill whenever i think about college.

i have complete faith that something will happen to fuck it up. i wish that time would pass faster. i work better under pressure. i can't even start packing because what if i need it? and i'll just make a giant mess again before i leave. i have no confidence in myself to become a better, cleanlier, more thoughtful person when i move away. i think i'd better live on my own.

actually, what i'm most stressed about (besides being homeless), is my appearance. wow, it starts already and i haven't even been cut down by any casting directors (casting director? what the hell? even that seems absurd.) i hate my hair and my skin hates me. i wish i hadn't dyed my hair and i don't know what to do with my bangs. and when i moisturize i break out, and when i don't moisturize i hurt. okay. i'm just ranting now. i still hate my clothes. it's so ridiculous the way i collect ugly crap. and then hold onto it. it seems like my place in life should be to be interesting-looking (i'm not classic beauty, i need to be something) but i'm really quite boring. i can never seem to come up with the kinds of outfits some people can. i always feel dowdy. and lame. i always feel as if i weiner out of being as interesting-looking as i could be. that i'm not strong enough to pull it off. wow, i didn't expect to be saying any of this.

i want new clothes. i want tulle and lace and ribbons and pretty sweater with sequins and beads. i want pretty comfortable warm pants and cardigans with feathers.

and i want sport clothes too. i expect to need moving-clothes for class..and there's nothing worse that feeling ugly while doing ugly excerise, especially if you're in a room full of mirrors. especially if you happen to turn a lovely tomatoe-shade at any hint of movement. i want pink sweatpants with ribbons and zip-bunnyhugs with neat designs. i don't think i can bear it to get to school in a terrifying city, and still feel...boring and small. so small.

(if you want to leave then take good care
hope you find a lot of nice things to wear
oh baby baby it's a wild world
it's hard to get by just upon a smile.)

i should have submitted my pictures to castingworkbook.com last week or the week before..but i don't have 4 that i like enough. i'm already losing confidence at rapid pace, and i haven't even left the city.

i'm craving christmas like a pain in between all my ribs. i need it so badly to make everything okay. to have so much red and green and sparkles and i love gift-giving. i love it. and it'll be the last time i see everyone. i'm already beyond hysterical at the thought. ridiculous.

it upsets me so much that my mum dreads christmas. and that other family members are hating it too. that's not what it should be. i don't need real presents. they're just stand-ins. for saying how very much i love you. i'm terrible at complimenting people, and generally appreciating them. i'm better at gift-giving. at cards. to be horribly corny, i think it's integral to, twice a year (birthdays too), make people feel appreciated. to love them up. niki and i were talking about birthday calls, and those are the best, you know?

well, i've started writing again. really. but not in the best way. i'm filled with apprehension today.

i have tomorrow off, i hope i can deter instincts to stay in bed, and actually go get something done. work on regaining something i've lost. make clothes or get rid of some. clean something or pay off fines. paint or start christmas planning. but i have no high hopes.

previously - and then

*oh random entry*

all the diarylands. - 2008.02.21
I move my head. - 2008.01.27
read the other one. - 2008.01.21
was Medium? - 2008-01-17
Or maybe I won't. - 2008.01.15

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