note: potential employers: please do not judge me on my diaryland. that's lame.

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2006.04.03 3:24 p.m.

Counting down minutes until I can take more painkillers.
It's funny how every month I am surprised. Seems I'd get used to it.
Woken at 6 a.m. (after going to sleep at 3) with pain. I writhed around for a bit, gave up, got up, took painkillers, made a hot water bottle (which Figaro promptly punctured and I let it just leak slowly onto me.. nothing much else to do) and starting reading.
This seems to have become a new pattern. Waking with pain and reading, bundled in bed. It's rather nice - in retrospect. At the time it's just frustrating.

I managed to sleep a bit around nine. But I had nightmares of breaking everything and wrecking things I'd only touch gently.

Dreamed I wrecked my phone and my apartment and the microwave exploded and I dropped everything I picked up.

Dreamed I met JTT and he was rather gross and cold and mean. Leering and manipulative. But I felt that I should probably make out with him. To say that I had.
Ridiculous dreams.

Spent the rest of the morning in bouts of scream-crying. I closed my window because I don't want the neighbours to hear (taking out the garbage late one night I realized that because my TV is right beside the window you can hear it quite clearly in the quiet street).

Read today that Micrar (my tiny baby) got smashed up. And I know that I don't really care? I know about objects vs. actual important things. But.

--- Once I had this dream that I was in this tiny car, shaped like a hamburger/spaceship almost, and it was the perfect size for me. I tucked myself inside of it and zipped around the city.
And when I got Micrar that's exactly how it felt. So compact and pep-pep-peppy. Even when it shivered and shook on highways and in rainstorms. Even when I packed it full of friends or drove out into the country with apple crisp and strange cuteboys.
I loved spinning into the Jerry's parkinglot in the dark mornings and I loved climbing around in the too-small interior and falling onto the backseat.

My first big responsibility and pride.

Really missing Micrar just makes me miss my home. And I don't do well with home-sickness.

I also re-read Bridge to Terabithia. Which is not the best for not-crying. Actually it's the worst.

Not feeling things I want to feel is frustrating. I wish head was in charge of heart.

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So grumpy yesterday. But I cleaned. My house looks better. Getting close to be something to be proud of again - to want to show off. A little bit of money and organization and I think i might love it again.

Paul came over to watch ANTM with me.
It was like he had tourettes but instead of cursewords he said things that irritated me. To a pretty big extreme.
Let's just say that he managed to use the word "poopy" and also "poopy-pants" in reference to my mood not once, but several times. He also kept commenting on my house-keeping skills. Which I hate. I know that I live in squalor. OBVIOUSLY. I do not ever need it pointed out to me. I obviously feel bad enough about it already. And I don't need it commented on when I'm making an effort. It's fine to say that it looks good but saying how awful it was before is just irritating.

It's a very good thing I like other things about him (and he gave me a backrub). Otherwise he might have ended up dead. Really, really dead. Dead on death-spikes.

I was making us smoothies and I dropped the blender and it landed upright on floor and shot all of its contents onto me. Onto my hair and into my eyes and onto my clothes and especially all over my crotch and feet.
I loved it. I loved it a little too much.

Went out to see ABD. Met Angeroo there and I'm always impressed with how he's so little and slinkster.
Priscilla showed up and we stood around we danced a bit and stood around. Angeroo went home pretty quickly - said he felt ill. I was sad because, as I've said before, dammit is he funny.

Priscilla and I stayed and hung out with Hilary. I really like Hilary - she has this calm, kind energy.

It was so good to see ABD again. Ughhhh Dave's voice is so ridiculously nice and bizarre. And everything really.
P and I danced and I felt strange thinking we've been doing this for two years now. Thinking - this is how it's all meant to be.

Afterwards Nathanael came and met Priscilla and they disapeared. I stayed for a bit talking with Nathan and Steve and car-Thom (who was wearing the same shirt as when I met him 2.5 years ago I think) and markin-Chris.
I really like all of those boys. Steve and I discussed "Pride Fighting" - which sounds like the gayest thing.. ever. Steve said he tried to convince the guys he works with that there was a whole channel devoted to it - PrideTV.

All of a sudden it ended up being me and Thom left. It's reasurring when things stay the same. And Thom is always the same - in kind of a nice way.
Small Sins (formerly Ladies and Gentlemen -Thom and Steve's band) are playing in Saskatoon April 28th and Edmonton April 26th. FYI

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I miss David. Now he has a girlfriend he has no time for me. Quelle surprise. But still - he is reassuring and care-taking. I miss him.

This is my last day of my three month vacation.

previously - and then

*oh random entry*

all the diarylands. - 2008.02.21
I move my head. - 2008.01.27
read the other one. - 2008.01.21
was Medium? - 2008-01-17
Or maybe I won't. - 2008.01.15

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