note: potential employers: please do not judge me on my diaryland. that's lame.

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2005.01.31 12:12 p.m.

i can't believe it's still less than a month since i've been here. it feels like forever.

i'm feeling much better. like functioning again. which is always a good thing.
so from this standpoint maybe i can explain how awful things have been. or not.
do you ever hysterically cry to the point where you're completely inconsolable? i got like that one night last week. (it's been forever since i felt that bad really) now there's mascara stains all over my bed. which is kind of gross.

it was upsetting because the one friend who always knows me best didn't know me at all.
and because i couldn't even talk with my mum because i just got meaner and meaner. because there was nothing she could do.
i shouldn't and couldn't expect anyone to do anything.

i keep on dismissing things and playing things down. referring to myself as a baby, or complaining about how immuature i'm being.
it's so hard right now. talking with other people in my program.. it's almost inexplicable to people on the outside but there's something about it here (this program i mean) that cuts into me. that makes me feel worthless and small and exposed and just awfully vulnerable.

and coming back here and finding that everything i had left was changed or gone..it was kind of a shock. i was expecting to have my almost-family, you know, to be surrounded by people who care about me, and missed me, and genuinely want to spend time with me.
but there's no one that needs me here. everyone's got their own things going on. their own people to take care of/be cared for by.
and i don't want to interfere with that. i don't want people to spend time with me out of pity or...i don't even know.

what i mean is, i don't want people to pretend to be better friends with me than we are just because they know i need it.
people are kind and sweet and say you should call me if you need anything.
which i definitely won't.
i hate imbalances in relationships. i would never be pity friends with someone and i hate when people try it with me.

things will get better. i'm becoming more sure of that.
i'm just having trouble figuring out what to do until then.

a while ago in class we were doing our 'revealing' and people were saying some pretty awful things that have happened to them. horrible things they've gone through. erica didn't have anything big to reveal, her life had been pretty simple.
and after, erica said something that i've been thinking about for awhile; that because she'd never gone through anything really hard, she couldn't even comprehend some things.
harry potter 3 also touched on this: harry was effected far worse than his classmates by the dementors because he had experienced true horror..and they brought it back.

trying to explain how hard leaving home is to someone who hasn't done it..it's hard. it seems so completely trivial.

trying to explain how wanting too much from someone is heartbreaking..seems so grade 8.

trying to explain how hopeless my career choice is..seems obvious.

trying to explain how i can't get up on the weekends and how good i am at saying i'm fine..seems so manipulative.

i guess what i'm trying to say is..that i'm not sure i'm not losing it. i'm not really certain that things will be fine. but that it's not trivial.

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miranda's coming home soon. and i'll be glad.

i watched this pilot-movie called falcon beach on global last night. and it was fine..i mean, as far as canadian-tv-teen-dramas go. but they played the marki nsi de! so sweet. i was very excited. they played carousel, which will be their first single, which i hear they didn't play in sask. which kind of makes sense because then gus and geoff would have had to have switched instuments..but you should still play your single. obviously.

geordie comes home soon and i hope we're friends..i could use some of those.

the marks and abd are playing together in oshawa and i might convince katrina to roadtrip out there with me. party. two favorite bands are better than one.

the much music audition was fine. it was pretty fun, which is what i was going for. expect for how cold i was. that blew. i couldn't talk for the teeth chattering.

i've become addicted to beading. earings specifically. i started the most beautiful pair i've ever even thought of creating. i'm copying the idea from vogue..it's this neat tube idea with about 20 strands (of all different lengths) coming down to the shoulders. i made 6 or 7 pairs this weekend. i should sell them. they're shockingly easy. and fun.
i should learn how to do bead detailing on clothes and things. mmm beads.

so i didn't feel as awful for not leaving my bed yesterday (and watching an unpresidented 14 hours straight of tv, including 4 movies...it helps me not think) because at least i was being mildly creative at the same time.
aw fuck.

tonight maybe i'll do some homework instead of tv...but most likely not.

previously - and then

*oh random entry*

all the diarylands. - 2008.02.21
I move my head. - 2008.01.27
read the other one. - 2008.01.21
was Medium? - 2008-01-17
Or maybe I won't. - 2008.01.15

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