note: potential employers: please do not judge me on my diaryland. that's lame.

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2003.12.29 7:45 p.m.

Your Heart is Red

What Color is Your Heart?
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writing's hard when it's all bursting out of me. i can barely express things through speech these days, let alone in writing. i've been sitting at computer for 10 minutes trying to know how to begin.

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it was so perfect. so good. so right. my party last night at the empty house. i just wanted to cry and cry the entire night, with sadness, frustration, joy, and lovelovelove. but i couldn't/wouldn't because i hate crying drunks... and it would have spoiled the perfection.

ahhhh.

the potluck was pretty right. just a few people, but those who came brought good food and had fun sitting around the centerpeice of flowers and eating good food. grayce brought her nephew who's two and pretty entertaining. steph brought the cutest pink cupcakes. oh pink cupcakes. megan and james came too, and really didn't seem that old, despite if they felt it. i mean, i think grayce is older than megan for sure. but yes. i like food and people.

more people came. and more. and it was so nice just standing around talking and talking. i went upstairs for awhile to wrap presents (oh time, how limiting). alisin and niki helped a bit. alisin wrapped fraser present the best ever... he saw the wrapping he said 'it's a ridey-poney!', even though it was clearly a balloon bunny(taped to a wrapping-paper roll), with a ninja mask, tiny sword and umbrella taped to it's ear. best wrap ever!

mehta and ali and them all came and brought their instruments and started jamming. i barely saw any of them, but i trust they had fun. the jam space looked pretty fun. i wish we'd been further apart from the neighbors, so that noise wasn't such a concern.

jeffmorton and band came a bit later and set up in the living room. i'm so glad that they all came, i mean, i barely know them. at all. it was nice and very much appreciated by a lot of people i think. i hope.

i keep getting frozen at the keyboard, how much effort it is taking to even think it through, let alone type it.

so many people were there! so many! so many people who know me and understand me and genuinely like me. mind-blowing. and they all seemed to be getting on. no one was by themselves really..or seeming too sad. it was sad though. especially when everyone left. i just wanted to hug everyone forever. i got a little dry-humping from ryan. and travis told me i was amazing. jm got reallyreallyreally drunk and told me i was the most amazing person and how i'd impacted his life. i didn't realize how much i'd been missing melissa until i saw her. she's so sweet.

i loved that everyone was dancing. and laughing and running around. i wore heels and my pink+net skirt. i love heels. i drank the perfect amount, just enough to make things more fun, and not be out of control at all. i love cranberry juice.

i found out that jm's trumpet(and occasionally bass)player, dave is going to humber with me next year! oh i was excited. i have his email and instructions to let him know how it goes. he's pretty nice i think. and a good musician. ahhh. oh oh, it's been so long since i've written. i talked to brett trail (sp?) at amigos on saturday and he's been taking music at humber since september and was really excited for me to be coming, so we exchanged emails and phone numbers. the most interesting thing he told me, our school was originally an insane asylum! and it had it's own morgue! and it's haunted! and it has underground tunnels! better and better. he seems to really like it. i'm thinking it just might be okay.

or even really good.

janel, danielle and lyndsay from jerry's came too. ah i was so happy to see them. and danielle brought richie, i didn't get to hit on him as much as i wanted, but you just can't have it all. they're all so cute.

the hardest part of today's writing is about constantine, who completed the party. i half-expected him not to come, despite him saying repeatedly that he was. he turned up and i shook a little. and he was perfect. my stalkings are strange because i constantly expect to be disapointed when i actually know them. but i haven't been. he was so nice and easy-going and friendly. so so much into the jazz. sat for a bit in a closet with me (it had a bench), read the wall writings in the basement. got introduced to everyone. wow, i don't know how to explain it. he was chatting with janel and danielle and watching the music and dancing. and he stayed over too. everyone had left except for the band and him. a well-drunken and yelling niki and colin (the drummer that we've had..irritations with) ended up hanging out until 7, maybe later. the other two band members left and jeffmorton was so drunk he cocooned himself in his winter clothing inside his keyboard case. me and constantine sat in the hallway for a good while and made lists. about him and about the party. and just talked. we went upstairs for carpet floors to sleep on and made some more lists. he actually fell asleep mid-sentence (which i thought was terribly cute. for serious.) we didn't make out at all, but i don't know i'd have wanted to. it was perfect. i'd have wanted to to win..but. he was snoring in the night and all i thought was 'aaww'. (ew)

we got up this morning and hung around talking. and a very hung-over niki came upstairs and we all lay around. then we went for grilled cheese at jerry's. we drove in his car and bopped along to good funk. and i laughed at how many pairs of shoes were in there. at jerry's we stayed for sooo long. we read the newspaper like a married couple (he had the sports and i had the lifestyles). dan came and hung out with us. so brilliant jokes. he fits perfectly into every humour we have. janel got there just before we left and talked a bit too. i'm going to miss jerry's. how odd.

we gave danielle a ride to her hair appointment, all in the front seat (the back was so full). and me and const sang 'stick shifts and safety belts' loudly and off-key. and and and and and and. there's too much to say from 8 hours of being together. but he's so much that i've been wanting. weird things, really bizarre coincidence things. and so...much.

now there's all the more to leave. i was thinking all night 'i don't know how i'll actually do it'. honestly.

this is more than enough for today. though i haven't come close to saying it all. but this has taken me two hours to write.

previously - and then

*oh random entry*

all the diarylands. - 2008.02.21
I move my head. - 2008.01.27
read the other one. - 2008.01.21
was Medium? - 2008-01-17
Or maybe I won't. - 2008.01.15

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