note: potential employers: please do not judge me on my diaryland. that's lame.

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2002.12.17 1:12 a.m.

in the past we used to talk for so many hours, about things that only we could understand. now i wish i could forget all this by closing my eyes....it never happens this way, oh it would be too easy, because there's no easy way out in friendships.
(tahiti 80)

(the next line is the funniest though: yesterday, i dreamt i was, swimming in a giant beer mug...)

i wish you could have been in the mall with me yesterday, i saw mike mccloud and i couldn't stop laughing. he was wearing the silliest clothes. and working at taco time.

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as for the other one who's mad at me, andrew: i wasn't mad at you during the evening really, you know this, i got irratated by things you were doing from time to time...but. you knew that you were bothering alyssa though. you knew it. and instead of calming down, or anything, you just kept it up. (i've done the same lots in the past, just not known how to stop. how to change a mood to accomidate someone else.) yes, we were being a little over-reactive. alyssa had just seen mitch when she shouldn't have really. i had just found out i was rejected from a college that i've been wanting to go to since grade 10 (that's a fucking lot of time). if i had stayed home that night i would have cut myself up. i was trying so hard (maybe too hard) to be in a good mood. and i was, except that you were bothering alyssa. i think you were bothering lorilee (even though she'd never say anything). and at the end i was frustrated with you. the door, the poking at stuff. the magazine throwing. i'm sorry i was over the top. i'm sorry that me and alyssa were being bitchy together (cause god knows i hate it when she and kaleigh do it). i'm sorry. reality is what you perceive of it, sure, but you are still responsible for your own actions.
as for wether or not you're important, what about it? what close friendship do we have? i enjoy you, i'd think i'd be there if you ever needed me..i've tried to be there for you. but i fucking needed you to be.....something the other night.
maybe we should just....never mind. i'm done.

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i'd just like to say that from here on in, i'm not going to pretend that i don't look up to jeffmorton, or pretend that i don't think he's better than all the rest of you. (not really) but he's pretty fucking smart. and it's so nice to have at least one of my old best friends near by.

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man, i'm so attracted to everyone i really like. i have no intentions of acting on any of it. mostly because i hate sex, and everything related. i wish i was lying a little more. although, i really want to cuddle everyone. all the time. actually, i think my desire to cuddle certain people comes out in my under-developed mind as attraction. i just love people, and their arms and calming hands and softnesses. i think it's aways been this way. hence some screwed-up-nesses of relationships. ie: jeffmorton, boys that read this diary, etc. i'm not saying i'm not attracted to you. because i am. but mostly i just love love love you.

never mind.

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i went to the jerry's christmas party tonight. i wasn't going to. but i had so many billions of fun. i'm not even joking. even jerry didn't irratate me that much. i ate supper with nicole and nadia(a cake decorator on mat. leave)'s daughter. it was great. i had lasagne. of course. then i forgot to take my leftovers with me. dammit. then me and elisa and nicole went up for a smoke and made plans to hang out later. especially before elisa leaves for new zealand. then we went bowling. me and janel were a team. if you met janel, you'd think 'meredith's friends with her?' as i do lots. but she's really caring and nice. she's also stick thin and supersuper blond with huge blue eyes. she had her long hair in cornrows recently. and gel nails. she's also the one who had constantine for a teacher. sigh. we bowled with nicole and elisa too. and everyone was mingling and it was so fun. and i humped a lot whenever i did good.

we also bowled with dave (the kitchen manager who i love. he's the one with the 'smile if you masturbated last night' t-shirt.). he really reminds me of rickie on my so-called life. so much. except rickie's so much calmer, and more unsure of himself, especially in terms of being gay. where dave can be really raunchy and funny. it's like rickie grew up. anyways, i knew that dave was gay, but i'd never heard anyone talk about it. but tonight he brought his boyfriend. double cute. dave's very hugging and flirty and still strong. his boy, chris, was so much like him except to a bigger extreme. very flirty, very stereotypically gay, big shoes, very cute, and he was hugging everyone and bowling silly. and he has raspberry lip gloss from the body shop. he's so good. i kept thinking, i wish rickie found someone like him (i clearly realize it's a tv show, but still....). anyways, it made me happy. and when i was leaving i went to say good-bye to dave and i hugged him and he kissed my forehead. (on my so-called life rickie always kisses angela and rayanne, and i always wanted a friend that was that affectionate with me.....)

. can you feel my heartbeat when i'm close to you.....

previously - and then

*oh random entry*

all the diarylands. - 2008.02.21
I move my head. - 2008.01.27
read the other one. - 2008.01.21
was Medium? - 2008-01-17
Or maybe I won't. - 2008.01.15

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