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disclaimer: this is the life and times of meredith r. mistletoe. i'm making a slight attempt to disguise my identity and hide things that i write about and pretend i don't feel things i do. but if you read this and i don't know you read it, then you read it at your own risk. and you should let me know you're reading it... especially because a lot of the time things need clarifying or aren't quite true anymore or etc etc etc.

note: potential employers: please do not judge me on my diaryland. that's lame.

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2004.02.29 9:38 a.m.

so..you can go home again. just sometimes it will be so hard you'll want to lie down and go to sleep. maybe for years.

ahhh.

it's so painful sometimes. i can't even explain. and it's so good that i can't even begin to absorb it. and i wasn't really missing it all when i was in toronto because i wasn't thinking about it. but when it feels so good, i realize how important it is.

so i'm at home now. if you haven't seen me yet you should. we could party down.

i surprised so many people yesterday. it was really fulfilling. and utterly heartbreaking. steve, niki, jeffmorton, ryanpollard, and fraser were the biggest shocks i think. steven screaming and just about knocked me over. ryanpollard just picked me up and hugged me for so long.

i can't even internalize how much love i feel for these people. how shakey it makes me to see them, let alone touch them.

it's far more painful coming back than it was leaving. after this i honestly have no idea when i'll be back. at all. and right now things are pretty much the same..but it's all going to start changing so quickly. and next time i come home..i can't even think about it.

generally i don't keep tension in my body. moreso after starting this training, but generally, i'm fairly loose and open and released. but yesterday i was so tense. my body is painful from trying to dance with all the tension. and my neck is almost broken from being mauled around. normally a good mauling only helps me relax...

i can't let go though.

i just go from place to place crying, and then hiding it when i see people. it's fairly ridiculous.

yesterday i saw fraser on broadway, he was getting into his parents' van as i was driving by and i was just struck by how beautiful he is. just gorgeous and young and just glancing at him i remember everything that's ever passed between us and i know so much about him.

and i just think 'how could i leave all this? how could i be away from all of this?'...

and at the same time, in the plane during landing yesterday i realized that i'm actually doing something that i've been wanting to do for 8 or 9 years. for so long and this is my dream. this is it. the beginning of it. and by it i don't mean sex.

but the hardest bit i can't even talk about. at all. and the hardest bit is harder than it should be. and i'm just a giant bitch.

there is nothing that it just pure goodness in my life. nothing that only brings me joy. there is so much stress, i'm carrying my shoulders close to my chin. my breath is trapped in my upper chest.

and the kittens! oh the kittens. the pure joy that there is in putting my face in their chest. in running them down and knocking them over. i'm adopting the theory that if i had a kitten in toronto my life would be fine. i do wish that was the complete truth.

previously - and then

*oh random entry*

all the diarylands. - 2008.02.21
I move my head. - 2008.01.27
read the other one. - 2008.01.21
was Medium? - 2008-01-17
Or maybe I won't. - 2008.01.15

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