note: potential employers: please do not judge me on my diaryland. that's lame.

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2006.02.10 3:19 p.m.

How do things go so wrong overnight?

Honestly, at my core, I do believe that the universe wants certain things for me, plans certain paths, demands I go through certain things, etc.
I am always part-crazy. (Or religious. Who's to say..)
I did go through a phase where I seriously thought I could control things by asking the universe, bargaining with it, making deals, explaining what I needed. And it got to an extreme level where I couldn't think properly because I was always discussing things with the universe (energy/spirits/etc). I mean, the universe never really, technically talked back - so that's probably for the best.
But what is the universe trying to tell me these days? I feel like all the signals are crossed. And how is it possible that I don't have a job by now? I mean, it's obviously just flat-out my fault.
If the universe wants me to go on being an actor - giving this whole business a proper go, then the universe better make it feasible!
I'm drowning.

Oh, last night talking to my mother I was in such a good mood. And now it just seems like everything is overly-terrible. Too extreme.
And all of a sudden I am scared.
And being scared is when I suddenly realise that I am alone.

Funny because last night I was asked point-blank if I were lonely and I was certain that I wasn't.
And I'm not, in certain ways.
Mostly I am just alone.
And it feels like only proper family and community would fix that. Not any particular person.
And I'm not lonely for boys. Or for a relationship. Quite the opposite..

Last night I felt like everything was as it was supposed to be and maybe this path was leading somwheres.
I shot Fred's Date yesterday and I had way, way too much fun. (It's probably just the highs that are making me feel this low?)
Honestly, I was only on set for a few hours and I fell in love with the whole business. That's silly - I should know that love by now - but this was my first real set where anyone payed any attention to me. A student film yes, but still a proper set.
And it felt like I might have been good. in a realtime way. and it seemed like everyone liked me a whole lot and found me overly-amusing (a little obnoxious) and people kept saying my line immitating me because it was pretty funny.
And they gave me wine (which I totally wished I had on yesterday's diary episode) and a really, really nice card.

It just felt like: yeah. this is where I am and this is what I'm doing and yeah. two years of school might have been worth it and maybe things are going like they're supposed to.

I invited some of the kids from the shoot to come be part of my workshop/reading of my script. And they seemed genuinely interested.

I can't explain how happy it makes me feel to feel like I'm doing the right thing.
Like I might be a good actor or like I might be a good writer or like I might be able to have my tv show.

Nothing works properly today. Everything goes wrong. I can't accomplish anything I set out to do. I wanted to sit down and have a good cry at least 4 times while out of my house.

I was supposed to go to a go-see to be a continuity extra for this tv show. And I was supposed to have an audition for another student film.
I got horribly lost on the way to the go-see, which was out in North York and I ended up wandering along freeways in terribly unsensible shoes (I was supposed to look young and rich. fuck.). Only to finally get this place years later and it's a fucking huge cattlecall. And the people they're paying attention to all look like they've undergone plastic surgery. And I'm all conceited and thinking "I'M AN ACTOR".
Pretending I'm too good for this.
I am not cattle.

So I'm stuck there and I end up missing my student film audition, just couldn't get there. No way. Which I felt terrible about because the guy had gone out of his way to get a special audition time for me.

And I don't like it when people have crushes on me because I am so aware of my limitations at this point in my life. And it just makes them all the clearer.
I am unable to be a proper relationshipper. I am unable to not be selfish and act accordingly.

I need a job and I need to stop blocking myself from getting one. BUT I need a good job.
Catch 22 to the extreme.

There's nothing I'd like more this instant than have someone take care of me. To move back in with my mother and sleep for a few weeks. I feel like I'm drowning.
Adulthood is so, so terrifying because you know, really, I can never move back in with my mother and sleep for a few weeks. I can never be free of responsibility. I can never just do nothing again.
And when I am doing nothing then the guilt will drown me anyway.

Ah ha, this is where the sadness has gone. There I found it. And it turns out you can't actually just ignore it forever.
I do miss home.
I do miss my friends.
I do miss my kittens.
I do miss supertruck and the city and streets and riverbanks.
And I'd give a lot just to wake up to the familiar sounds of people moving around overhead.

previously - and then

*oh random entry*

all the diarylands. - 2008.02.21
I move my head. - 2008.01.27
read the other one. - 2008.01.21
was Medium? - 2008-01-17
Or maybe I won't. - 2008.01.15

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