disclaimer: this is the life and times of meredith r. mistletoe. i'm making a slight attempt to disguise my identity and hide things that i write about and pretend i don't feel things i do. but if you read this and i don't know you read it, then you read it at your own risk. and you should let me know you're reading it... especially because a lot of the time things need clarifying or aren't quite true anymore or etc etc etc.
note: potential employers: please do not judge me on my diaryland. that's lame.
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2003.03.20 11:03 p.m.
ai i.
i become a worse person by the day. no one is interested in me anymore.
they say you have to be interested to be interesting. this is not always true. sometimes you try but...maybe it comes off wrong.
i feel that there is a lack of love in my life. there are people who love me, but if that requires them doing anything......there are people who i love that are too far away to make that difference.
i am too selfish. and apathetic these days. i'm worst of all, having a hard time caring.
i have three states of being...amused, shut-off, and depressed. i am not usually 'happy' when i am not laughing at something you've said. i made hemp bracelets in front of my tv tonight for close to 5 hours. it was remarkable how little i felt. to move would be to feel something. my legs got pins and needles. the only other thing i considered doing was going to sleep. i am happy when i'm thinking of a specific sentence/action.
when i get angry at my mum and am unreasonable (this happens frequently) i usually explain it later, what it was really about. when my mum is unreasonable (less frequently) she never explains it. there are certain moods that anything i said or did would upset her.
she likes to think that we are equals. we are both adults. i should do my share. but we clearly aren't. oh so clearly. she's still 'the boss of me'.
the constant threat of 'i don't want you living here anymore' and 'you don't pay enough rent' aren't condusive to a thriving relationship. if anything it makes me more hostile, less likely to do chores. even after i move out, she'll still be having the same problems, only with just one person to fight with it about, and after he leaves...i don't know, maybe it will be better for her.
i'm having a hard time (yeah, i know, wah wah wah) feeling insane and apathetic. i have a hard time cleaning and taking care of myself, besides other work. i have a hard time going to my job and staying there.
if i sit here feeling sorry for myself much longer i'll explode.
i didn't mean for this to be about that.
knowing full well she reads this.
previously - and then
*oh random entry*
all the diarylands. - 2008.02.21
I move my head. - 2008.01.27
read the other one. - 2008.01.21
was Medium? - 2008-01-17
Or maybe I won't. - 2008.01.15
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